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It's becoming too much for poor Clive.

WHAT a week for Clive (Huw Bevan) in Family Affairs. The poor guy reckons life is not worth living because he's gay, fat and a failure - and his brother hates him.

Clive my boy, things could be a whole lot worse. First up, being gay is not a crime. Secondly, Serge, your lovely brother, is fatter than you. And thirdly, if you fail at something, well just pick yourself up and try again.

You don't take an overdose of pills and champagne and try to kill yourself. Poor Clive - that's exactly what he does this week in Charnham.

And there are a lot of guilty people walking around by the end of the week. How are they all going to cope as Clive lies in a coma, eh? Answer that one then.

Now I would never go as far as to top myself, but I have to admit I am a little down in the mouth this week.

Why? Coronation Street. And Spider (Martin Hancock). And Nita (Rebecca Sarker). Yes, the one from the corner shop with the lazy eye. (Nothing beats a bit of bitching now and then). How can they do this to me?

To add insult to injury I got my voting slip for the British Soap awards last week and you can only choose from the people they have shortlisted. Was Spider in the sexiest male category? No. What a terrible week. Pass the champagne Clive ... but you can keep the pills, love.

Elsewhere on the Street, Mike (Johnny Briggs) is having a bad, bad time of it with Julia (Fiona Allen) twisting the knife even more. And it must be Greg Kelly's knife. This week Sally's car is torched and I bet my house that the evil son of Les is behind it.

Leanne (Jane Danson) is ready to make a fresh start, but she's going to have to get used to having some regular verbal battles with mother-in-law Gail (Helen Worth) as well, the first one happening this week.

In EastEnders, the di Marco family plan a big family dinner to bring some peace back to the clan. Yeah right, and I'm the Queen of Sheba!

By the end of the week, Matthew (Joe Absolom) is smiling, and I'm glad about that, he's a lovely boy. Let's hope it's at that nasty Steve's (Martin Kemp) expense.

In Emmerdale, Rachel (Glenda McKay) is stunned after confronting Graham (Kevin Pallister) about his past, and then Graham tells everyone that she's accusing him of murder. Oh, he's a one that Graham, is he not?

There's a lot of fighting in the Dales this week. First up Biff (Stuart Wade)and Chris (Peter Amory) come to blows over Kathy (Malandra Burrows) and then Kathy and Chris come to blows over Biff!

In Home and Away, Marilyn (Emily Symons) does a runner because she has post- natal depression and can't cope with being a mother.

Staying down under all I want to say about Neighbours is where did they get that new theme tune? Unbelievably it's worse than the original one!

Up the High Road there is a dangerous surprise in store for Joanna when Eric goes off on a weekend break with their daughter Lucy. Meanwhile, Eddie's mind is full of thoughts for Louise and she too can think of nothing else but him - however, it's proving more difficult for them to spend any time together.

Brookside is still bottom of the heap with me. My mum was going to phone me at 8.30pm the other night after Brookie because she knows I watch it. But I ended up calling her at 8pm because I couldn't care less about the Merseyside soap these days.

This week, Rose (Amanda Noar) wants her money back from Lindsey (Claire Sweeney), Suzannah (Karen Drury) wants to back out of the deal, but Jacqui (Alexandra Fletcher) is determined to get one over on Lindsey.

Callum (Gerard Kelly) is out to get her too, following the gangster-mum and threatening her. Like, wow. Then Sinbad (Michael Starke) thinks Joey (Dan Mullane) is the rapist.

God, can they end this, please? I say Boycott Brookie until they tell us who the rapist is. Phone Merseyside TV to complain and together we will get this ridiculous storyline finished.

Oh and Niamh (Barbara Drennan) tells Joey she wants away from the Close. Don't we all.
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Title Annotation:Features
Author:Brown, Merle
Publication:Daily Record (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:Apr 24, 1999
Previous Article:Take-off to terror; Executive Decision ITV, 9.00pm - 11.30pm.

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