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Is your dramamobile a two-seater? So your sex life is boring, and you are thinking of having an affair.

I was never so happy to be the third wheel in my life. I guess they had been having some problems in the bedroom. I suppose that is why they came to the club that night looking for someone to bring home. All I knew was that two reasonably attractive women were coming on to me. I had gone out that night in search of someone to roll around with for a few hours, and I had hit the jackpot with two women at once! When they asked me to go back to their hotel with them, I almost forgot my coat.

I can't say that it wasn't fun. It was funtastic. But when it was time to go, it was time to go. I took my cue when one of them sat up and whispered over my chest to her lover, "I hope you got what you wanted out of this." Nothing gets me out of bed like the scent of percolating drama. I was hoping for an early-morning quickie, but I settled for getting out before the fur started flying. I never regretted the experience, but I had the feeling that they were going to.

Have you and your lover stopped talking about your lacking sex life? You used to discuss it, but now you just accept the fact that you are becoming roommates who know each others' PIN numbers. You can't go on like this forever. You two have thought about couples' therapy but agree that it is just a really expensive way to break up.

Don't have an affair. Don't act like it hasn't crossed your mind, and don't think that it hasn't popped into your partner's head, either. I know it is inconceivable to you that your wife could consider having relations with anybody but you, but you are not the only one with needs in this relationship, you know. (Given how annoying it was to read that sentence, do you really want to have to hear it from a woman's lips?)

Lesbians often have affairs so that they can end a relationship. I don't know why we think it is better to do something really mean and stupid before we end it with a woman, but that seems to be an accepted practice. I guess we believe that having a reason, meaning another woman, is better than telling a woman that you're leaving her just because you're not happy. Huh? Woman up already! Do everybody a favor. If you need to break up with her, go ahead and do it. Yes, she is going to hate you. People who get dumped are supposed to hate the people who dump them. It is the natural order of things.

But maybe you and your honey have already decided that you want to stay together and you both have promised to be faithful to one another even if it means a lackluster love life. Of course, you both hope that you are not doomed to a sexless fate.

One day, one of you will hit upon the idea of bringing another woman, or two, into the bedroom as a cure for what ails. Maybe you can see other people ... together.

The shopping stage is fun. In fact, you might be wise to stop this whole adventure at the shopping stage. You and your lady can spend hours of quality time together looking for that special someone or couple or orgy. Instead of talking about what is wrong all the time and worrying about what is going to happen, you two can look for what is right and exciting for you. Surf the 'Net, buy toys, rent some porn and you might be surprised how much desire you still have for one another. Exploit this opportunity to solve your problems on your own. Really, you might want to stop short of making your twosome into a threesome or a conga line.

But if you two are married to the idea of seeing this thing through and seeing other people naked, then at least do it out of town, way out of town.

Do you really think you two can go out and borrow a cup of booty from the dykes down the block and then go on like nothing happened? That is not what they mean by "neighborhood watch." It doesn't matter how strong you think your friendship is, it isn't strong enough to withstand an evening of swinging. A good neighbor is harder to find than a good screw, and the benefits are certainly more enduring, so buy a couple of plane tickets.

Stay away from professional swingers. Why? Because they are weird and unattractive. I don't know why swingers aren't better looking, they just aren't. Don't you watch HBO? And if they are not ugly, then they will be crazy or criminal, so don't wear the good jewelry to the ho' down.

Stick with other armatures like yourselves. Wear wigs, even during sex (you might discover a new fetish), and always use aliases so if you do end up on YouTube you have plausible deniability.

Before you embark upon your sexploit, remember that it is impossible for one person to pay the exact same amount of attention to two people at once. Before you hit the sheets, know that somebody is going to get their feelings hurt. There is no Even Steven in sex. Somebody is going to get the short end of the dildo.

You think that it is going to be hot to see somebody else doing your woman, but are you truly prepared for that sight? What if she is having the time of her life? Aren't you going to wonder why she never squeals like that at home? What are you going to do, grab your thong and go blubbering out the front door?

If you two decide to romp with another couple, it is highly likely that you will find one of the duo more appealing than the other, and that is bound to come out in obvious ways, such as moaning. Then you will be forced to pay attention to a woman you don't really want to because you don't want to hurt her feelings or make her mad enough to leave with the woman you really want to be with. If you were willing to go through all of that drama, you might as well have stayed home and tried to have sex with your own wife.

Sure, it could be super sexy to see your wife watching you get down with another woman, but what if you peek out from between someone else's legs and see your wife wearing a mask of anger or disgust? Do you really want to stop what you are doing and check in with her? Talk about bringing the grinding to a halt. If your date(s) came from an Internet connection, prepare for some bad "feedback" next time you log in.

Instead, you two might consider a sex club. The major drawback to that is you must have some voyeuristic tendencies or learn to live with those tendencies in other patrons to enjoy your sex club experience. As a person who becomes embarrassed getting dressed in front of the family pet and experiences stage fright when my number is called out at the bakery, I was never able to get into the whole sex club thing.

Even if your sexcapade is a success and you and your lover reawaken your sexual desires, who is to say they will run toward each other? You two may indeed discover that you are sexual beings who need the touch of another but not each other. Now your little adventure turns into a roller coaster ride straight to hell!

Yes, some might say it is better to know than not to know, but they are obviously gluttons for punishment.

Are you and your gal going to be satisfied with just one close encounter, or will this adventure serve to whet your freaky appetites? What if once was plenty for you, but group sex was like Lay's potato chips to your girl?

All this is going to lead to talking about boundaries and rules and analyzing. Yuck. Nothing ruins sex, crushes, and desire like talking about it. Thirty hours into the "discussion" about what happened will put you off sex for life.

By now you have surmised that I am not an impartial observer on this subject. I have yet to see swinging solve a couple's sexual problems. Throwing another person into a sex life that isn't working is like driving a nail into a flat tire.

But if you don't believe me, at least invest in the wigs.
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Title Annotation:Dyke Drama
Author:Fisher, Michele
Geographic Code:1USA
Date:Oct 1, 2007
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