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Is this a sign of alien life - or just a council balls-up?

IHAVE studied the mysterious "willies" that have appeared on Tamworth tarmac and have come to a radical conclusion.

They are not, as one reader suggested, the work of aliens.

I just think beings capable of conquering space would make a better fist of drawing intimate parts of the anatomy.

It seems a very long way to go to doodle. Also, the photographs aren't blurry.

Graham, from Selly Oak, is having none of it, however.

"Perhaps that's what theirs look like," he babbled. I will not have ET's reputation besmirched like that.

If I was a Thrall from Planet Zarg I would've selected a clearer message to mankind and a better location: something on the lines of 'we come in peace' on the White House lawn.

Instead, they went for oddly shaped willies on Emberton Way.

At least, as an extraterrestrial gimmick, it will garner more foot traffic than crop circles.

For those who missed this staggering storm in a teacup, locals have been left "disgusted" and "furious" after the lewd shapes emerged following council maintenance on the roadway.

Those disgusted, enraged and sickened by the vaguely abstract outlines of genitalia probably shout "Hussy!" at women publicly displaying their ankles.

They risk slipping into a coma after making eye-contact with graffiti scrawled on public conveniences.

As a tabloid journalist, I fear the extreme emotions are merely well-worn newspaper labels hung on the good folk of Tamworth in a bid to add gravitas to a silly season story.

I know. I, too, have fallen victim to newspaper overkill.

I was once approached by a young reporter eager to get my take on the introduction of wheelie bins in our street.

Her "exclusive" report included the sentence: "It's not something I've really thought about," said horrified resident Mike Lockley, aged 56.

I know. I once headlined a four-paragraph non-story: "Cyclist in horror broken ankle tumble". Sub-head: "Father-ofthree cheats death".

In the clamour for local angles to the Nepal earthquake disaster, one publication reported on a family who "cheated death" by deciding not to go there.

To be fair to the residents of Emberton Way - reportedly "stunned" by the lewd shapes - they're also miffed with the general standard of highway repair work.

One "angry" resident said: "There are some very bizarre, obscene shapes. One of them looks like someone's giving someone the finger sign."

Another said: "I think it is a disgrace really. I am ashamed.

"I can't imagine what it is doing to house prices around here because the road looks very unpleasant and would probably put buyers off."

I disagree. The shapes could spark a property stampede among the naturist fraternity.

'If I Thrall Planet I would selected message One householder pointed out: "We often joke that we have several d**ks on our road. " It wouldn't work everywhere. Such an unusual phenomena would probably be frowned on in the Cotswolds.

But in Tamworth, the last bastion of white dog excrement, it's a feature.

Preserve it and the Japanese tourists will come, I promise you.

With the right marketing, The Tamworth Todgers could be up there with the Uffington White Horse hill figure.

Even better, claim it's Biblical and you'll get the religious tourists. I've contacted leading clerical figures in a bid to find out if the strange shapes border on a miracle.

"Are you saying they're a sign?" asked one, a tad baffled.

"Definitely a sign," I babbled. "One looks like someone's giving someone the finger. Not a very nice sign, but it's a sign."

"Could it not," I pressed, "be God's way of telling motorists 'There's a dangerous bend ahead - take precautions'?" Council chiefs have been quick to point out there's nothing remotely mysterious about the tarmac fertility shapes. Chemicals used to preserve the road surface caused painted white lines to distort, leaving the unfortunate patterns.

was a from Zarg, have a clearer to mankind...' Councillor Mark Deaville, cabinet support member for highways and transport at Staffordshire County Council, said: "This preventative treatment is used to preserve and extend the life of roads that are already in good condition, which means they last longer and do not require as much maintenance in the future.

"When the work was carried out the material caused a reaction with the painted white lines on the road which caused them to mis-shape. The effect was purely cosmetic and the material has now settled. Our highways team is now working with the contractor to resolve the aesthetic issues on site."

If nothing else, the Tamworth Todgers, the town's very own Terracotta Army, have inspired Yours Truly.

I have contacted the press, radio and a satellite channel called "Rude Vegetables" after discovering a spud with a thingy.

"Very old hat," sniffed a hack from the Sunday Sport.

"But you don't understand," I babbled, "this thingy has two thingies attached to it. It'd be too graphic even for Esther Rantzen."

"Ring us up when you've got a filthy coconut," he muttered before putting the phone down.

"Sounds interesting," trilled the editor of glossy mag I'm On The Menopause, "but it's famous faces in fruit and veg that sell.

"We've just had the most delightful Geri Halliwell carrot."

I rang her back five minutes later and announced triumphantly: "It does look like someone. My King Edward's is a dead ringer for Wayne Rooney."

"Darling," she confided, "they're all dead ringers for Wayne Rooney."

'If I was a Thrall from Planet Zarg, I would have selected a clearer message to mankind...'

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Publication:Birmingham Mail (England)
Date:Jul 31, 2015
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