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Is that Ken Barrow in the Street?; What do the spellcheckers on computers make of famous names? STEVE RICHES fed some celebrities through his spellchecker and the computer spilled out some hilarious alternatives. Here's a spoof TV schedule showing how your favourite star names changed...

6.00am

WHO ON EARTH WANTS TO WATCH TELLY AT THIS TIME?

Early risers Eaton Holes and Vanes Felts wheel out Coronation Street old stager Ken Barrow, who enthuses about other incredibly miserable characters over the years, among them En Sharpies, Lucite Hew and the Oldens, Stan and Whiled.

Weather reports from Susan Charlatan.

9.00

LOADS OF WAFFLE

Roseate Bra supports more gratuitous soap plugs. It's the turn of EastEnders' Patsy Paler and Martin Keep to reveal nothing at all, while Emmerdale's Mallard Burrows ducks her questions, too. Plus a studio slanging match stopped just when it gets exciting by Robert Killjoy.

10.30

IN MORNING - YOU WILL BE

Richard Madly and Judy Finger with an all-star settee. Telly `tecs Dazzle and Pascal scatter the cushions with comedian and yachtsman Alexia Sail, stomach-churning quizman Magnesia Magnusson and Bread deliverer Lend la Planate. Dale Wanton and Chris Torrent gush about themselves for what will seem like hours. Promise.

12.30pm

LUNCHBOX

A misleading title to enourage dis- interested housewives to watch the news. With newscaster Moire Start. Oh, and a feature special on Lin Christi, narrated by former runner Se Cow.

12.50

CARTOON TIME

Two old favourites featuring Pope The Salesman.

1.00

AFTERNOON SPORT (OR, IN AUSTRALIA: GOOD AFTERNOON, SPORT)

Presented by Des Lynn. Ap Sam and David Buckram mumble about life at Manchester United under manager Sir Alex Freemason, while dirty Diego Meridian reveals why he turned down Arsine Wiener and even considered Brighton and Hove Albino. Sir Garbled Sober and Ian Bottom get to the - yes - bottom of what's wrong with cricket. Plus there's racing from Sundown Park with Simian Hot and second half soccer action with commentary from John Motion.

1.00

SO WHAT'S ON THE OTHER SIDE IF YOU HATE SPORT, SPORT?

Gotta be film stuff, then. Star Wars fan and Phantom Menace star Wean McGregor (Obi-Wan Knob) presents magical moments from the movie series, featuring Jabber the Hut, Boob Feet, Princess Lie, Dart Verdure and Chewable.

Followed by A Tribute To The Greats - this week, Humphrey Begirt, Lauren Bacilli and Error Fly.

4.45

GET IT OFF YOUR CHEST

With Pip Greened. Gardening guru Charley Gimmick shows you how to make two garden ponds out of a discarded bra. A trick inspired by the late Perky Thrower.

5.15

STARS IN THEIR EYES

Boxing. Repeat. Subtitled. Yet another thrilling chance to see some real heavyweight action from destroyer Duo Bugger and fearless Frank Burn and also have a good laugh at Chris Embank's funny voice and clown's clothes.

6.30

MUSIC GOES DOUBLE DUTCH

Jowls Holland presents a two-part charity concert live from Rotterdam. Irish band Boozy, led by Roan Cheating, top a bill which includes Eric Clacton, Elation John and Ring Star. Gear Halloween promises a girlie duet with her neighbour, Kyle Mingle, while racy Mica Jaguar gets a chance to team up with Cline Din. And don't they make one.

7.45

IT'S THAT POSH BLOKE AGAIN WITH ANOTHER WRETCHED QUIZ

Yet another earner for witty (watch that one in a spellchecker) Anus Dayton. The funniest quiz show host since Lees Damson gets the best out of Ropy McGrath, Jack Ed and - appropriately enough - Caroline Question. Gar Linker guests.

(8.05 Lottery result with Carol Smile.)

8.30

TOO MANY COOKS

Fat ladies Jennifer Patron and Cleric Dicks Write serve up the secrets of their figures, while Caribbean whirlwind Tinselly Harlot makes a tart. Special guest: Keith Flayed, who likes a drink.

9.30

PEOPLE ON FREEBIES

The popular (with them) 18-80 travel programme returns with Martin Cleans white-water rafting in Hemel Hempstead and If Glover trying in vain to find something interesting in Belgium. Judith Charmers, naturally, slums it in the Seychelles.

10.00

NEWS AT...WELL, TEN

With Michael Beer and Peter Cessions. Includes a special report from Kate Adieu somewhere scary.

10.35 Party Political Broadcast. With PM Tony Blare and his wife Cherry.

10.40

LAUGH? PROBABLY NOT

Is TV getting funnier? John Clues and Leone Henry say NO, preferring comic characters of the past, such as Captain Manicuring, Albert Steeple and Booty and Snug. Grief Rays-Jones and Ruses Abbot say YES, going for more recent favourites like Wetness Slob, Rabbi C Nest and the timeless Comp and Clog. Billy Cannily is the referee.

11.10

THE ORPHAN WINERY SHOW

Ms Winery has the bottle to chat up shin-rattler Vine Jones, who's transferred from the League to the luvvies, and introduces him to his screen heroes, Harridan Ford, Sean Cannery, Jamie Lee Curates and Me Ryan. Music by Christi Hyundai.

11.55

LABOURING THE POINT

Newsnight, presented by Kristen Ark and David Dumbbell. Old Labour's Neil Kink discusses political matters with New Labour magician John Presto.

12.25am

IF IT'S AFTER MIDNIGHT IT MUST BE AN OLD FILM

Actually, film clips because they come free from distributors. Cliff James presents the best of heart-throbs El Gibbon and Lima Nelson and looks back at the world's all-time favourite pin-up, Marlin Morn. Plus why everyone's top director, Levered Hitch Cock, had a thing about showers.

2.30

ROUNDANDROUNDANDROUND

Insomniac's dream: a re-run of the Latvian Grand Prix. Murky Walker and Martin Bundle present the action (sic). Includes interviews with Formula One star RAF Schemata and that Damn Hill, who used to be one.

Check here who was who

The All-Channel TV stars were (in order of appearance):

Eamonn Holmes, Vanessa Feltz, Ken Barlow, Ena Sharples, Lucille Hewitt, Stan and Hilda Ogden, Susanne Charlton, Roseanne Barr, Patsy Palmer, Martin Kemp, Malandra Burrows, Robert Kilroy-Silk, Richard Madeley, Judy Finnegan, Dalziel and Pascoe, Alexei Sayle, Magnus Magnusson, Lynda la Plante, Dale Winton, Chris Tarrant, Moira Stuart, Linford Christie, Seb Coe, Popeye The Sailorman, Des Lynam, Jap Stam, David Beckham, Sir Alex Ferguson, Diego Maradona, Arsene Wenger, Sir Garfield Sobers, Ian Botham, Simon Holt, John Motson, Ewan McGregor (Obi-Wan Kenobi), Jabba The Hutt, Boba Fett, Princess Leia, Darth Vader and Chewbacca, Humphrey Bogart, Lauren Bacall, Errol Flynn, Pippa Greenwood, Charlie Dimmock, Percy Thrower, Joe Bugner, Frank Bruno, Chris Eubank, Jools Holland, Boyzone, Ronan Keating, Eric Clapton, Elton John, Ringo Starr, Geri Halliwell, Kylie Minogue, Mick Jagger, Celine Dion, Angus Deayton, Les Dawson, Rory McGrath, Jack Dee, Caroline Quentin, Gary Lineker, Carol Smillie, Jennifer Paterson, Clarissa Dickson Wright, Ainsley Harriott, Keith Floyd, Martin Clunes, Fi Glover, Judith Chalmers, Michael Buerk, Peter Sissons, Kate Adie, Tony and Cherie Blair, John Cleese, Lenny Henry, Captain Mainwaring, Albert Steptoe, Bootsie and Snudge, Griff Rhys-Jones, Russ Abbot, Waynetta Slob, Rab C Nesbitt, Compo and Clegg, Billy Connolly, Oprah Winfrey, Vinnie Jones, Harrison Ford, Sean Connery, Jamie Lee Curtis, Meg Ryan, Chrissie Hynde, Kirsty Wark, David Dimbleby, Neil Kinnock, John Prescott, Clive James, Mel Gibson, Liam Neeson, Marilyn Monroe, Alfred Hitchcock, Murray Walker, Martin Brundle, Ralf Schumacher and Damon Hill.
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Title Annotation:Features
Author:Riches, Steve
Publication:The People (London, England)
Date:Jul 18, 1999
Words:1131
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