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Ian and Melanie get in the mood for love.

IAN (Adam Woodyatt) comes out with a classic this week in EastEnders: "In my mind, I'm little Ian, the one who won't amount to much... I want to stay and prove them all wrong. I want to win because I can. It doesn't make me right, though, does it?'

You have been warned - watch Tuesday's episode at your peril..

You see, Melanie (Tamzin Outhwaite) has been hit with a brick that came flying through the window of the shop, and Ian is nursing her and coming over all yukky, and philosophical and I personally can't stand it. I do not want to see this man stripped bare - metaphorically or physically.

Elsewhere, Matthew's (Joe Absolom) coming over all mad. He's now shouting out Saskia's name in his sleep and Teresa (Leila Birch) is not amused. She wants to know what is going on. Poor Matthew, just as he's about to tell her, Steve (Martin Kemp) walks in. He then tells Steve he wants to confess, and Steve agrees and offers to drive him to the police station. Yeah, right! I can see that being true...NOT. Get out fast Matthew, m'boy.

Nicky (Carly Hillman) has food poisoning and Rosa (Louise Jamieson) is determined to get the caf closed because of it. I don't understand this though, because they never seem to eat, the kids, they just sit and drink juice, or annoy the other customers.

Poor Spider (Martin Hancock) this week makes a right fool of himself in Coronation Street, with one too many pints of beer, trying to woo Nita (Rebecca Sarker). Give it up man, there's plenty more fish in the sea... the Scottish sea, that is.

Curly's (Kevin Kennedy) after her too now. What is it with her? Personally I think they're all barking up the wrong tree. She doesn't seem interested in any of the blokes around the street does she?

Leanne's not having a good week. Too many late nights and too much frolicking with Vikram cause her to make a bad mistake in the Kabin and when Sharon finds out she has a strop and leaves. Really, that's not like her at all now, is it?

Rachel disappears from Emmerdale this week, as Glenda McKay says farewell to the farm after 11 years. No- one knows dastardly Graham (Kevin Pallister) is behind it. Poor Rachel, if only she'd been a wee bit more - no, a bit less - STUPID.

Brookside's not getting much better. Poor Luke (Jason Kavanagh) has escaped from hospital where he was sent after his beating. Do you think that maybe the scriptwriters don't actually know who raped Nicky (Suzanne Collins) either yet, and are just stringing this along until they can agree on who it was? It looks that way. Lindsey (Claire Sweeney) is worried about her parents this week as Jackie (Sue Jenkins) and Jimmy (Dean Sullivan) seem to be further apart. Makes a change from her giving them heart attacks by brandishing a gun.

Arlo (Aseir Cebeira) is being a right little pain in the backside in Family Affairs, with his oh so funny (not) schemes. Teenage boys, in my opinion, between the ages of about 13 and 16 should all be sent off to some island somewhere. Too many hormones raging out of control for public consumption, I say. Anyway, Clive's fine this week which is good, although he's a bit concerned about Gabby (Emma Linley) and Declan's (Quentin Jones) weird behaviour.

In Hollyoaks, Sean (Daniel Pape) asks Mandy (Sarah Dunn) out on a date. See, he's a bad'un, always knew he was and boy I hope that he gets his comeuppance.

In High Road Joanna becomes traumatised when the police arrive to gather evidence of the robbery. And Eric wonders why she didn't report it right away. He's so understanding is Eric, don't you think?

Poor Kitty is getting ready to tell her dad that she is gay. Just another ordinary day in Glendarroch then.

If you're a fan of cult Australian '80s soap Prisoner: Cell Block H, then don't miss tonight's episode on Channel Five. It's the exit of Pixie Mason (Judy McBurney), the one who met with a really rotten end and ended up in a mental institution. Some say that's where I'll end if I keep up with this soap lark...
COPYRIGHT 1999 Scottish Daily Record & Sunday
No portion of this article can be reproduced without the express written permission from the copyright holder.
Copyright 1999 Gale, Cengage Learning. All rights reserved.

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Title Annotation:Features
Author:Brown, Merle
Publication:Daily Record (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:May 8, 1999
Next Article:Moment of betrayal; Plastic Man Wednesday, ITV, 9pm.

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