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Ian Hyland's TV Week: IT'S AN ILL WIND.

Byline: Ian Hyland

OVER at The Nation's Favourite Christmas Foods (BBC2, Wednesday) Richard E. Grant's voiceover is stodgier than 20 Christmas puds.

"Considering chickens outnumber humans by 2 to 1, is it any wonder they've muscled their way into our top 10?"

Eh? Does he suspect fowl (I know, I'm so sorry) play in the voting?

You can just imagine it. A chicken in a phone box talking like Phil Mitchell. "BBC? Yeah, I wanna vote for chicken. Who am I? It don't matter who I am." I bet it's them who voted for Mark on Pop Idol as well.

Elsewhere TV's finest chefs gave their verdicts on Christmas fare while Ainsley Harriott and Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall locked horns for The Sid James Memorial Award For Services To Honest Smut.

Hugh just about came first with this cracker, which lacked only a short burst of Carry On music. "Most of the supermarkets are offering these big-breasted birds."

No surprise to see Christmas pud coming second in the vote, although that news may create a few problems when your dad announces he fancies "a great big steaming No.2" after his turkey on Christmas Day.

And while we're in that area, according to Richard "we produce enough gas on Christmas Day to fill 98 hot air balloons".

Which rather begs the question, who measured it?

Ainsley Harriott, probably. He seemed to be an expert.

"If you can't fart in front of your family at Christmas, who can you fart in front of?" he asked.

Well, you might think that's okay Ainsley, but I wouldn't dare fart in front of my family on Christmas Day.

Dad always goes first. It's a respect thing.
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:Sunday Mirror (London, England)
Date:Dec 21, 2003
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