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I spy some funny farm business..

FORGIVE my ignorance on matters of surveillance, but wouldn't Dave Glover (Ian Kelsey) have noticed something was amiss in his cottage at Emmerdale (ITV)?

Before moving in, Frank (Norman Bowler) had the place wired up with cameras in every room so that he could spy on his wife and Dave, yet mysteriously there isn't a lens in sight.

To have hidden the equipment so successfully, Frank would have to have pulled the ceilings and walls apart and had the place redecorated by the time Dave moved in.

Somehow he's managed this without Kim (Claire King) noticing a thing, and last night we saw the first pictures from the operation.

Very clear they were, too, and luckily, Kim and Dave went and stood right in front of them. Kim moved towards her lover, tossed her hair, kissed him, and all but gave a wave to the camera.

The couple then tumbled into bed. Not the bed that was originally in the cottage, but a lovely French bed that Nick had been sleeping on. The poor lad has been palmed off with a single, but then given his luck with women, that should be no great cause for concern.

So, back to the French bed, which Kim and Dave christened in familiar style. Afterwards, they lay in each other's arms, square on to the surveillance camera, of course.

Frank was in his attic, watching it all on the small screen. He's been spending a lot of time in his attic of late, has Frank. Kim thought he was playing with his computer up there, and even the cries along the lines of "I'll catch you yet, you two-timing bitch!" didn't alert the lady to the real happenings.

Of course, there are some who might say the attic was the best place for Frank all along, and you have to admit he looks strangely at home in the half-light.

He's only getting what he deserves, too. He's never been the nicest man around the village, despite being the most hirsute, and he's a fairly unscrupulous businessman, too.

Well, I use the word "businessman" lightly. Frank's idea of business is to hold a few sheets of paper, wave them, sit at his desk, then stand up and wave the papers again.

He's had different people working for him over the years, many of whom have learnt his paper-waving skills. Miraculously, from his hive of inactivity, he manages to produce lots of accounts. We know this because characters who work at Home Farm walk around saying "I must see the accounts."

And there are reems of them. Reams and reams. But for what, pray? Does anyone actually know what Frank does to warrant his having so many accounts? The only animal at the farm appears to be Kim's horse, and apart from a couple of tenants the place has been deserted for a decade.

But yesterday, Frank took time off from these mysterious accounts and nipped round to Dave's cottage.

His stick tapped the ground. He frowned. He opened the door. Went up the stairs. Crept. Quietly. Then he opened the door and, affecting disbelief, cried: "Whadderyercall this, Dave? Overtime?"

There they were, in the French bed. And they weren't going through the accounts.

MY Brilliant Career (BBC2) featured Derek Hatton, the former deputy leader of Liverpool City Council.

Personally, I think he missed his vocation. In looks and manner, he now bears such a striking resemblance to David Wicks in EastEnders, he could take up a job as David's body double.

Alternatively, he could go to Emmerdale. Now that he's been acquitted of fraud charges there's a very nice job awaiting him at Home Farm - doing Frank's accounts. Maybe he can tell us what they're all about.
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Copyright 1996 Gale, Cengage Learning. All rights reserved.

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Title Annotation:Features
Author:Stephen, Jaci
Publication:The Mirror (London, England)
Date:Feb 9, 1996
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