I've become a naughty video star...and it's a reel turn-on!; Dr VERNON COLEMAN'S CASEBOOK.
A few weeks ago, after a disastrous night out with some girlfriends, I arrived home early to find my husband and half a dozen of his friends drinking and watching one of our home-made videos.
Instead of being angry it really turned me on and, although I would not watch with them and went straight to bed, I now find that it is me who likes acting all sorts of scenes in and out of the bedroom. The more explicit they are, the more I enjoy them.
The knowledge that my husband's friends will watch us in action is really exciting and a massive turn-on. Do you think that what we are doing is against the law?
A Since what you are doing provides enjoyment it is probably or, indeed, almost certainly illegal. Section 56b/gt7649 of the penile code would undoubtedly put you in the middle of a very sticky position, cover you with potential embarrassment and leave a damp patch on your life. I suggest that you take care not to invite Uberfuhrer Michael von Howard or anyone wearing a blue uniform and a funny hat to any of your sexually-charged soirees.
You should also make sure not to charge for drinks, peanuts or paper handkerchiefs since you could then probably be charged with making money out of having a good time - probably the most heinous of all offences. By the way, I thought it was mean of you not to enclose one of your videos with your letter.
Q A friend has copies of your books Oral Sex: Bad Taste & Hard To Swallow and also Why Is Pubic Hair Curly? She reads bits out and has us in stitches. They are mad, slightly rude and absolutely hysterical. I'd love to buy copies for Christmas presents.
Can you please tell me how I can get them?
A Both are published by Blue Books at pounds 9.95 each. But, since Christmas is coming and I'm a big softie, I've decided to give away free copies. If you would like FREE copies of both these two books (worth pounds 19.90) send your name and address (and a cheque made payable to Publishing House for pounds 2.95 to cover P&P) to: Dr Vernon Coleman's Two Book Offer, PO Box 30, Barnstaple, Devon EX32 9YU. This offer closes on December 10, 1996 - or earlier if I run out of books before then.
Q What did you think about the fact that two scientists recently received the Nobel Prize for medicine for research on how to protect mice from infection?
A Perhaps the two scientists simply like mice and were experimenting on them in order to find out how to stop other mice getting virus infections. (I disapprove anyway). Since I do not believe that any research on mice is ever likely to be of value to human beings I cannot think of any other explanation. Unless the people who handed out the prize forgot to put in their brains that morning.
Q I know that you believe that drinking water which gets recycled several times (as most drinking water does these days) may contain residues of drugs such as tranquillisers and contraceptive pills. Is there any scientific evidence for this belief?
A Yes. River water which contains effluent from sewage facilities (and which is then re-used to provide drinking water) often contains measurable quantities of female hormones (presumably from the contraceptive pill). And there is plenty of evidence to show that urine contains drug residues which will not be removed by cleansing methods - with the inevitable result that those residues will reappear in drinking water.
When water from the Mississippi river was tested recently it was found to contain large amounts of caffeine. The amount of caffeine in the river was, not surprisingly, at its highest levels downstream of large cities.
Q Is it true that if people stopped eating meat there would be less hunger in the Third World? If this is true can you please explain why.
A In order to raise cattle to provide meat for harmburgers, sausages and so on, vast amounts of land have to be used for growing grain to be used as animal feed. This is extraordinarily wasteful. If the grain and other crops were used to feed people instead of animals the world would have plenty of food.
One acre of land will provide food for 10 times as many vegetarians as meat eaters. One of the great ironies of the 20th Century is that for years now parts of the world where millions are starving have been exporting food to give to cows so that Britons can eat harmburgers. Every time you eat a harmburger you are effectively murdering an African child. Think about it, dream about it, have nightmares about it - and then do something about it.
Q I was flicking through a soft porn magazine the other day when I came across a picture of my wife. I couldn't believe it! She had posed under another name but it was definitely her. I was shocked. I was also shocked by the comments she was reported to have made. According to the reporter who had interviewed her she had told him that it was her ambition to have sex with an entire football team. In some of the photographs she was wearing bits and pieces of football strip. I didn't even think she liked football.
A I Shouldn't worry too much about the comments your wife is alleged to have made. There is a good chance that she wasn't even there when she was interviewed but that the writer simply invented something suitably erotic.
And if the comments are true, then you can take some comfort from the fact that she only wanted to have sex with one team at a time. A less picky and more lascivious woman might have fantasised about both teams, the referee, the two linesmen and even the entire crowd.
A court recently ruled that a woman must pay pounds 27,000 for stealing another woman's husband and marrying him herself.
There will, I suspect, be one or two readers of this column who would not regard their husbands as worth that sort of money.
Indeed, there may even be one or two who would pay a fiver to have their husbands carted away in a wheelbarrow.
I conducted a survey of 103 wives working in the Dr Vernon Coleman's Casebook offices here at Canary Wharf.
I asked them how they would value their husbands. Here are some of their responses:
"I suppose he's worth about pounds 10. That's about how much it would cost me to buy a vibrator and set of batteries."
"I don't think anyone would pay me for him. I'd probably have to pay to have him taken away for scrap. He's a vintage model but is there much demand for dandruff, rolls of fat and varicose veins?"
"If someone offered me pounds 27,000 for my old man you wouldn't see me for dust. I'd move to one of the Greek islands and set up house as a fallen woman."
"His bodywork has gone, he puffs and wheezes going up stairs and he has no stamina. He's still fairly young but he's pretty well clapped out. I'd happily part-exchange him for a couple of fit and sexually-active 20-year-olds."
"He puts up an occasional shelf so I suppose he's worth about pounds 30 as an odd job man."
LET'S ALL GET TOGETHER TO VOTE FOR ANIMALS!
Is there anyone left in Britain who trusts Michael Howard, Michael Portillo or John Major?
The Labour Party are no better. I simply can't trust Tony Blair. To me he comes across as a smarmy, creepy, school prefect type. A salesman with a false smile and no real passions.
He has all the fire and charisma of an insurance salesman. He looks like the sort of cheap con man who would spend four hours selling you an expensive, fitted kitchen and then send round a trio of smelly, incompetent workmen who would make a terrible job of installing a few cheap worktops. And he is married to a lawyer.
And Paddy and his Liberal chums are just a motley crew of fence-sitting onanists.
Choosing a party to support in the next election is a real problem. How do you choose between them? Blair and Major are interchangeable as are Tory and Labour policies. Ashdown & Co are simply grey and pathetic.
If you are confused about who to vote for - and would like to make your vote really count - I have a solution.
You and I can turn the next election into a single-issue election: respect for animals. We can show the might of people power. Together we can make a move to stop hunting, live exports, vivisection and other obscenities.
First, I want you to agree to vote with me - in whichever way seems best for animals. To show you care, just dial 0839 66 44 33. The call will cost 10p.
When I've got a good chunk of votes registered I'll contact Major, Blair and Ashdown and find out which party is prepared to guarantee the best deal for animals: contracting to do most to stop hunting, vivisection and live exports.
We will then vote together, using our votes en masse to support the party which promises to do most for animals. All politicians know that elections are won by "swing" voters who are not committed to any party. A few thousand votes in marginal seats will decide the next election.
Take action now if you care for animals. Call 0839 66 44 33. Get your friends and neighbours to call. It will take a few seconds.
The more calls we get the more powerful our position will be - and the more the politicians will have to listen.
Four out of 10 men have taken nude photographs of their partners, according to a recent survey. One in five men who have taken such photos show them to friends.
Lady of the Lamp Florence Nightingale always carried a pet owl in her pocket.
A heated argument puts more strain on the heart than sex does.A Russian airman survived a 21,980ft fall from a plane. He landed on a steep, snow-covered mountain and slid down.
Around 2,000 manhole covers are stolen each year in Beijing where the black market rate for one is pounds 8. Coincidentally, about 200 Chinese citizens fall down open manholes annually.
THINGS THEY SAY
There is no repose except in truth.
- Writer Emile Zola
SMOKING TOBACCO IS WORSE THAN GOING TO POT!
"My dad caught me smoking a cannabis cigarette the other day," writes Mr Y.
"He went mad! He shouted and ranted and raged at me. He told me I was a drug addict and that smoking cannabis would kill me.
"The sick joke is that all the time he was shouting at me he was smoking a non-filter tobacco cigarette!
"He's smoked 60 a day for the whole of my life. He has terrible bronchitis and the doctor has told him to stop smoking more times than either of them can remember.
"I realise smoking cannabis may cause problems. And I know that some people who smoke cannabis go on to mess around with truly dangerous drugs. But am I right in thinking that tobacco is far more dangerous than cannabis?"
I think anyone who smokes anything is dotty. And I do not encourage cannabis smoking. But, yes, I believe you are right.
Smoking tobacco is much more dangerous than smoking cannabis.
Tobacco has killed untold millions. Every year tobacco smoke kills around 100,000 people a year in Britain alone.
Tobacco is so dangerous that around 1,000 non- smokers a year are killed by other people's second- hand tobacco smoke!
Cannabis is only regarded as a "dangerous drug" because of a historical accident.
In my view it certainly shouldn't be listed alongside morphine, heroin and cocaine.
The truth is that most of the people who get so indignant about cannabis are themselves regular users of far more dangerous drugs.
Tobacco, alcohol and many regularly prescribed prescription drugs such as a good many tranquillisers and sleeping tablets are, in my view, much more likely to lead to serious and possibly lethal problems than cannabis.
Those who object to the smoking of cannabis, while themselves using more dangerous drugs, are acting in a very hypocritical fashion.