Humbug from Hillman.
-- It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
-- For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
-- Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
-- Always yield to temptation because it may not come your way again.
-- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
-- Middle-age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change place.
-- Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
-- By the time you make ends meet they move the ends.
-- I believe that the only time the world will beat a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
A man and a woman, strangers, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train. Though initially uneasy over sharing the room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly--he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 2 a.m. he leans over and gently wakes the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you please reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm very cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
And now certainly, we can't continue without some final words from old reliable Marv Schnall:
Great Truths That Little Children Have Learned
1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your three-year-old brother to hold a tomato.
5. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Great Truths Adults Have Learned
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing jello to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Families are like fudge--mostly sweet with a few nuts.
4. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
5. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber not the joy.
Great Truths About Growing Old
1. Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.
2. Forget the heath food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3. When you fall down you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Well, it's been about 25 years of fun with Humbug--time to retire. Heartfelt thanks to all my wonderful friends who have contributed to really make Humbug--Humbug.
Herb Hillman, Humbug's Nest, P.O. Box 135, Whitingham, VT 05361
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|Date:||May 1, 2004|
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