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How to wreck an iPod in two days.

I'M A PRETTY LOW-TECH DUDE, I have a website and shit, but I have no idea how to actually update it. So when my wife's parents got me an iPod for my birthday, I was super nervous. I had no idea how to put songs on it or how to even turn it on. I was sure I was gonna wreck it the first day I had it. But somehow I managed to hold onto it for two whole days before destroying it. Want to know how to wreck an iPod in two days? Not me. I already know.

1. FIRST THING you're going to want to do is stick some songs on your iPod. The first thing I put on my iPod was that Gnarls Barkley album. Yeah, I know. Not very underground. But shit, that album is pretty bitchin'. Especially with a couple cold beers and a ditch down the street from your house.

2. OKAY, SO I MENTIONED that ditch down the street from my house again. Broken record, right? I'm always talking about the ditch down the street from my house, right? But shit man, if you have a ditch down the street from your house and you don't make yourself a regular there then I gotta be honest. I'm going to think that you might have hobo shit for brains. Anyway, stick those little white earphones in your ears and head to the ditch.

3. SO YOU'RE TOTALLY SHREDDING the ditch, right? And you're listening to that Gnarls Barkley album. And it's one of those days where you're totally the only dude that's skating the ditch, right? So you know, you get pretty gnarly, but not as gnarly as if there were some other dudes there to see you get gnarlier. You know. Keep it strictly mediocre.

4. OH, BUT TOTALLY DO one trick that you've never done before to make yourself think you're still fairly ripping. I did a blunt on a parking curb and then sort of slid into a backside disaster (I'd like to think that I totally ollied into that shit, but I know I scuffed it) and then backside reverted out of that shit. Maybe that's easy to you. I don't know. I gotta work for my shit.

5. SO YOU TOTALLY HAVE a successful day at the ditch with your new iPod. You're thinking, "Fuck yeah! We totally just got high tech on that ditch. Man. We're like, in our 30s but still hip!"

6. ANYWAY, GO TO BED feeling all awesome, like you're going to skate that ditch everyday with your new iPod. Then think of all of the other spots you're going to skate with your new iPod and think about how differently everybody will look at you. Trust me. It's gonna be bad ass.

7. GO SKATE THE DITCH by your house the next day. Put on some gear that'll look awesome with an iPod. Maybe a V-neck shirt and some snug pants? Before you leave the house, let yourself know that you are totally going to rip. Seriously. You are going to make the rad. This is the new you.

8. GET TO THE DITCH and set down your cold beers at the corner of the ditch--that spot off to the left that kinda makes a bench seat. That spot where that tree used to be. Then get your iPod all cued up. I went with Bowie for day two of the Ditch Jams. Again, not very underground, but I've only had this shit for two days. If I'd had it for a week I guarantee there'd be shit on there you've never heard, like--you ever heard of Green Day?

9. BOWIE IS TOTALLY COMING OUT of those little earphones that make your ears hurt, right? And you've totally taken one successful ride through the ditch. Hell, you even did a pretty legitimate stand up 5-0 on that weird orange metal thing, right? Okay, so things are going pretty damn good. Oh, and I forgot to mention that on day two of having your new iPod there will be some additional dudes skating--three other dudes, actually. And they'll all look like they're fairly mature, which will make you feel a lot better about being the 30-something dude drinking beer by yourself.

10. SO YOU'RE STOKED OUT, listening to Bowie and having a good session. Okay, on your second run, drop in so that you carve the steep steep wall at the ditch and pump back into the flat really hard. You gotta let these other dudes know that you're totally jammin' to some shit they can't even hear, right?

11. SO YOU TOTALLY PUMP to the max, right? Make sure there's a fairly large part of a tree branch just at the bottom of the wall that you're pumping down. Just a few inches away from where that wall meets the flatbottom. Just far enough away so that when you hit it, you're catapulted all the way across the flat and onto the adjacent embankment. Got that? Knock the wind out of yourself. Try to bang the side of your knee into the wall as well. Make sure that you're fairly confident that you've fractured at least one rib. Be legitimately surprised that, after you've scraped yourself off of the concrete, your iPod is still playing. Super neat!

12. GET UP and start skating immediately. If you're older, you know how this goes. The second you sit down for over a minute your body is going to seize up. But if you keep skating, you're good--at least until you go home and set your ass down on the couch for an episode of Forensic Files. After that, you're fucked.

13. WAIT, I got ahead of myself. Keep skating and listening to Bowie and trying to shake off the bone crunching slam you took earlier. And then when it's time to go home, be sure that there is a dude near you that says something like, "I used to skate with an iPod 'til my sweat 'burst' the headphones." At that moment you should look at your own iPod, so you can see that the screen's all fucked up and half of it's black. Try to pause it or turn it off; try to do pretty much anything you can to make yourself think that maybe you hadn't totally fucked up your brand new iPod the second day you had it. But then just sort of look at your new iPod and realize that you had indeed completely destroyed the thing the second day you had it. Stoked.

14. I GUESS THE NEXT THING you should do if you're an "older" "married" skateboarder dude would be to figure out whether or not you should tell your wife about what you did. This maneuver is completely up to you. I'd tell you what route I took, but then I wouldn't have an article for next month. Hopefully you found this article informative. If you happen to be a "younger" "unmarried" skateboarder and found this article to be completely turdy, then I'd encourage you to turn the page and try to get stoked on some shoe company's video advertisement. You know, some of that real skating shit.
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Title Annotation:HIGHTECH LOW LIFE
Author:Sieben, Michael
Date:Oct 1, 2006
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