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How to be the kid at the skatepark that everybody hates.

YOU KNOW THE KID As soon as he arrives everybody at the skatepark sort of cringes. The kid who can land the craziest fucking trick in the world and the only person that's going to be clapping is the dude from out of town. You know the kid I'm talking about, right? He's at every park. Concrete, wood, plastic, outdoor, indoor. It doesn't matter one bit. Guaranteed that kid is going to be there. And guaranteed his dad has a mustache. Wait, that's a different article. I'm saving that for my Skatepark Dads expose.

1. DO A LITTLE BIT OF RESEARCH into current skateboard fashion trends. See what's hot. And then try to follow that style but be sure to fuck it up a bunch. Try wearing a humongous T-shirt with some little-ass jeans. Wear a denim vest and some mesh shorts. Basically just try to look as much like a dumbfuck as possible.

2. IF YOU'RE YOUNG ENOUGH to have to wear a helmet, make sure it's about two sizes too large. I'm not sure why this is so important, but it's definitely a necessity. While you're buying your big-ass helmet make sure to purchase some matching wristbands. Wear them on your forearms for Christ's sake.

3. THIS IS SUPER OBVIOUS but when you see somebody trying a trick that you know you can do, make absolutely sure to show them you know how to do that trick. Go up right behind them and when they bail, do your little trick and skate off as if you have no idea what a piece of shit you are.

4. IF YOU'RE SHY, you better get over that social inhibition. Because you're going to need to talk nonstop as soon as you get to the park. Try to find the people that seem the most uninterested in what you have to say. Target those fuckers. Give them a run down of all the tricks you did the last time you were at the park. If they don't want to hear about that, just tell them about the time you almost got sponsored.

5. IF YOU'RE GOING TO SKATE the mini-ramp or bowl, make sure you work out some sort of skateboard routine that lasts at least two to three minutes. I would recommend a healthy dose of rock to fakie/tail stall combinations. These can be done in increments of 10 that lead up to an axle stall. Repeat as necessary.

6. HYGIENE: If you're not old enough to grow pimples then just skip to number seven. But if you are old enough to grow pimples then it's a must that you wash your face with cooked hamburger patties. I know I'm being kind of mean with this one, but I just call that shits like I sees it.

7. MAKE SURE YOUR DIET consists solely of food that can be purchased at a skatepark (or little league baseball game). Nachos, hot dogs, cheese flavored snacks, beef jerky, dill pickles, fruit punch Gatorade, etc. If you follow this strict diet then when you sweat you'll smell exactly like goat shit. I'm serious. Don't underestimate the link between scent and hatred.

8. WHEN YOU LAND a trick, make sure everybody saw what happened. If you aren't sure that everybody saw what you did, then clap for yourself or give yourself a rap inspired shout out. If anybody in the near vicinity has any type of camera, be sure to ask them if they "got that shit." You know what, fuck it, you should probably just write "I Fucking Rule" on your griptape with a paint pen.

9. IF YOU'RE REALLY GOING to be that kid at the skatepark that everybody hates then it's a must that you never learn how to actually skate street. Only skate skateparks. Because there's a dude at the street spot that everybody hates also and I'm pretty sure somewhere in The Bible it says you two shall never meet.

10. FIGURE OUT what the wackest, most bullshit corporate company in skateboarding is, and be completely 100-percent all about it. Griptape, skateboard, wheels, shoes, T-shirt, shorts, hats--the whole fucking deal. If you're old enough (or know somebody with a bottle of India ink and a sewing kit) then you should definitely get their logo tattooed on your forearm. Because you're definitely going to want to look at that thing in your 40s and think, "God damn, I'm still a total asshole."

Note: This has absolutely nothing to do with the above article, but when I was thinking of ideas for this month's column 1 was considering doing a fashion forecast type of article and I was thinking it would be really funny if dudes quit wearing women's jeans and started wearing women's shorts. Imagine how fucking crazy that shit would look with the poofy marshmallowy shoes that dudes are wearing these days. That shit would be so fantastic.
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Author:Sieben, Michael
Date:Jul 1, 2006
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