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Honouring flunkies is such a Laura rot.


I DON'T know about your house but ours is still buzzing at the sight of Laura Trott finally getting her just rewards.

You know Laura? She's one of the 46 advisers, aides and allies David Cameron nominated for gongs in his not-at-all bent resignation honours list, a quaint medieval concept where failure is allowed to reward failure.

Trott will receive an MBE for allegedly advising Cameron on how his policies affected women (I say allegedly, because she saw so few women's groups Labour details of who exactly she was with, but Downing Street hand them over).

Still, that m fact that noinner circle o who she is, Trott, I say. Yo be on the hi lists. Even if anyone wh Cameron's eg and Larry Th made him pe minor detail apart, and the no-one outside of Cameron's inner or her mum knows well done Laura You truly deserve to highest of honours that list includes who ever stroked ego in Number 10, The Cat's exclusion pee all over it.

What's that! You thought I was talking about the other Laura Trott?

The four-times gold medalwinning cyclist who fought her way from having a collapsed lung to become Britain's greatest ever female Olympian?

No, sorry, not her. Although according to Honours Committee "insiders" Laura can expect to be upgraded from an OBE to CBE for her outstanding efforts in Rio.

A CBE being what Will Straw will receive from Cameron for leading the Stronger In campaign, which was about as successful as Will's dad Jack's attempt to tout ministerial access for cash.

Laura's fiance Jason Kenny is also tipped to have his OBE upped to a CBE, meaning winning six gold medals makes him good, but not quite as good as Cameron's ex-PR man Craig Oliver, who's set to be knighted.

Clearly spinning porkies to save the pig-poker's blushes is a far more noble task than spinning wheels at a worldrecord rate to win Olympic gold.

Lib Dem leader Tim Farron has leapt on the PR bandwagon calling for all Olympians to receive gongs, saying it would restore "faith in the honours' system."

No it wouldn't. All faith has been expunged from this Political Nepotism List. Sports stars merely act as camouflage for all the failures, flunkies, forelocktuggers, financial dopers and other types best described by an f-word, who benefit from its corrupt bounty.

The only way we'll be rid of this insult to our real heroes is when the likes of our Olympic athletes snub them.

I guarantee that if one of the Rio stars said the following to the offer of an honour, they would truly achieve national treasure status: "I've had to get up at dawn every day for the past four years, working myself into the ground, sacrificing all pleasures just to win that gold medal, and you think that finally puts me on a par with Isabel Spearman, the woman who gave Samantha Cameron make-up tips?

"Stick it."

How much cooler would Mo Farah look, if this time he did what ex-Liverpool footballer Howard Gayle's just done and refused an MBE on the grounds that accepting a trinket of Empire would be letting down his African ancestors?

Or if one of our successful divers said: "keep it for your own duckers and divers, mate, and we'll keep our credibility".

Or if the golden girl of cycling quoted her undeserving namesake, told the listmakers they were suffering from a bad dose of the Trotts... and told them to wipe themselves with it.

Only way we'll be rid of insulting gongs is if Olympic heroes snub them


NAMESAKE Laura, Cameron's aide (left) and Laura the Olympic medal winner (right)
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Title Annotation:Features; Opinion Column
Publication:The Mirror (London, England)
Date:Aug 20, 2016
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