Gorilla on rampage.. and Wayne's not happy either.
Byline: Des Clarke Listen to Des weekdays on the Capital FM Breakfast Show
IT'S like David Attenborough was writing the news this week.
Firstly, there was poor old Kumbuka the gorilla, eventually captured after his plucky escape from London Zoo.
He's like the gorilla version of El Chapo. The ape was seen running about aimlessly with a lost look on his face - causing many to presume it was Wayne Rooney out training.
Kumbuka went on the rampage after drinking five litres of undiluted blackcurrant juice. Cordial? Well let's just say he wasn't best pleased.
Attenborough commented that "a gorilla is not like a fish", showing just how much he's learned in his decades of presenting wildlife programmes.
He added it was "hardly surprising the alpha male got fed up and walked out". At which point he admitted he was actually talking about Paul Hollywood moving to Channel 4. Attenborough did comment on the mammoth tooth dating back three million years, found on the Essex coast. It's the second most famous washed up thing in Essex, after Michael Barrymore's career.
MPs want billionaire stripped knighthood. someone pound. He it hard to decision staff. Before back for his PS Scientist are able to put such an exact date on the tooth thanks to a positive ID from Mary Berry, who said it belonged to a school pal of hers.
Originally white but now a deep tinge of brown, a chunk of the people of Essex have much in common with the tooth.
But reports say the big old tooth disappeared the morning after it was discovered - replaced by a giant pound coin under a pillow.
Meanwhile, a group of farmers paid PS100,000 for a lamb at auction that had a tremendous coat. It gets better. Andrew Lloyd Webber has expressed a keen interest in writing a musical about it.
But PS100,000 is a helluva lot to pay for a future kebab. Presumably the money came from a wealthy doner.
Research suggested moths are threatening to destroy all of Britain's conker trees. Unless their demands are met for an unlimited supply of jumpers and a giant bedside lamp. That said, it could just be attention seeking. We all know how moths love the spotlight.
trotting champagne on 100million yacht.
Attenborough also got excited by Tim Peake's Scottish visit this week. Peake said the most common question punters ask is about drinking filtered urine in space.
He proclaimed that "yesterday's pee is tomorrow's coffee" - also the motto of motorway service stations.
In Glasgow, Peake's most common question was related to who he would support in a certain fitba match tomorrow. He flies the Union Flag but is called Tim. That's probably a score draw.
Just time for the final Attenborough story, as construction began on the vessel named after him - the one the public wanted to name Boaty McBoatface.
Attenborough seemed pretty happy about it, though. If you ask me, he was a bit Smuggy McSmugface.
MONDAY DON'T MISS KEZIA DUGDALE