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Give me some news I can care about.

Byline: George Barnes

COLUMN: BARNESTORMING

Dumbledore is gay! Rudy Giuliani is supporting the Red Sox in the World Series! Osama Bin Laden wants Iraqis to work together to fight us!

The world is turned upside down! The world is turned upside down! It is global upside-downing!

First, thanks to J.K. Rowling for sharing, but it is none of my business if Albus Dumbledore is gay. Why do I need to know that? This is 2007. A person having a sexual preference does not shock us. We all have that. I don't care what Rudy Giuliani's sexual preference is or Osama Bin Laden's. What is she going to tell us next, that Harry is a pagan and Hermione is part Scottish?

Great. Dumbledore is gay. He is also a wizard. That doesn't bother me, either. What does Dumbledore being gay tell us? I'm not sure. Is there a problem selling the books and J.K. Rowling wanted to create a bigger Harry Potter buzz?

The announcement about Dumbledore is no big deal. It is like hearing that Lindsay Lohan has been out drinking in a new dress. Rudy Giuliani claiming to support the Red Sox is a big deal. It is like a combination of the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz finding a heart and the lion finding his courage. It is also politically crafty. You know he is going to lose political support in New York, but the payoff is he could steal voters on Mitt Romney's home turf. Mitt has not exactly been a Bay State booster since he went off around the nation campaigning to be leader of the free world. His campaign view is that he survived as governor of a place infested with evil liberals, so he must be the candidate best suited to defeating Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama or some other "liberal" Democrat.

What worries me, but also makes me hopeful, is that although it is obvious 9-11 Rudy is getting his Sox on more as a political ploy than a deep appreciation of the wonderfulness of the New England's own Red Sox, maybe we could win him over permanently. Once he gets a chance to see Josh Beckett, Big Papi, Manny, Youk, Pedroia, Lowell and all the noble rest battling with the Rockies to return the championship trophy to New England, how could he not be a Sox fan? On the flip side, a lukewarm fan taking up a seat at Fenway or in Colorado during the World Series means a real fan will have to sit home watching television.

Anyway, I don't really think Rudy will ever be permanently saved from the The-Team-That-Must-Not-Be-Named. Rudy is just too New York. That's not his fault, but that is what people see him as. His claims of being a supporter of the American League don't wash. No diehard Red Sox fan would support the Big Apple blankety blanks (I must not say the name!).

Rudy-O'-Terror is a passionate guy and wants to throw a few Ks at Mitt. That is great, even amusing. If he can beat Mitt in Massachusetts, Mitt will probably lose it all. Still, I prefer keeping New York fans (and I am not talking about those loveable lovers of the Mets) in the place they belong, slumped over in some dark alley in New York City, wearing six coats and gloves without fingers, mumbling to themselves about the good old days of Babe Ruth - not cheering for the Sox in Fenway Park.

Besides, politicizing the World Series seems so un-American. The World Series is a pure and beautiful thing with one group of pampered millionaires battling another group of pampered millionaires so that their working-class fans can claim credit for winning the championship. I still have a photo on my computer desktop taken in Narragansett Regional High School gymnasium of my index finger touching my 2004 World Series trophy. Yes, you read correctly, I touched the trophy I won by watching my Red Sox beat someone else's St. Louis Cardinals.

And that brings me to Osama Bin Laden. The Rudy thing excites me, but getting as much play in the press was Osama-O'-Terror. Why? Does he have a sexual orientation? What is his favorite ball team? He has not changed his hair color. He never writes, never calls. Why should I have to read about him?

Spoiler alert! Osama bin Laden called on Iraqis to band together to fight Americans! Wow! News flash! Please wake me when the news has some real value. Zzzzzz. Are you sure he did not announce he is supporting the Red Sox? Really. I bet he has feelings for Dumbledore. No? Has he been out partying with Lindsay Lohan? Is he holding dog fights in his backyard? No? No? Come on. I'm bored! I'm bored! Give me some more news I can care about!
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Title Annotation:LOCAL NEWS
Publication:Telegram & Gazette (Worcester, MA)
Date:Oct 29, 2007
Words:810
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