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Give kissagrams a great big kiss-off!

It's the moment we all dread. The moment a complete stranger whips off their raincoat. Cue: Kissagram hell.

Depending upon the amount your supposed friends or work colleagues have managed to grub together, you will be subjected to anything from a tacky strip by a mother-of-three with a frayed suspender belt and stretch marks to being forced to lick whipped cream off the chest of a quasi- policeman brandishing an unfeasibly large truncheon.

Gail Steele, a former director of Optika opticians, is suing her ex-employers for pounds 320,000 after a kissagram visited her in her office.

Earl Spencer (no, not Di's brother - he may be flogging off a few titles, but he isn't THAT hard up for cash) handcuffed Steele, took off all his clothes, simulated sex, then threw her over his shoulder.

Five days later she was suspended, then sacked. Spencer claims not to be able to remember the incident. Now 28 and working in a fancy dress shop, he says: "I'm getting too old for stripping".

Are his nether regions beginning to show signs of wear, perhaps?

Steele says she suffered Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because of her unwanted birthday cabaret.

Maybe so, but has any kissagram victim ever enjoyed it? The name of this game is humiliation

She is also alleging sex discrimination, which may be more tricky to prove.

Humiliation by kissagram is one of the few areas where gender is not an issue. Indeed, it might even be worse for a man. It is now acceptable for women to leer at glossy-chested Chippendales.

Any man seen to be enjoying the female equivalent is liable to accusations of dirty raincoat-ism.

To the general embarrassment of having someone you don't know thrusting her polyester lace-gartered thigh in your direction is added the agony of how not to appear po-faced, while not being too grubbily enthusiastic.

Kissagrams are supposed to be fun. And they are...for everyone else. They are the modern-day version of the stocks. The audience don't throw fruit, they take Polaroids of the target's discomfort.

All the same, they're the real village idiots.

A NEW book says Jackie Kennedy had an affair with Hollywood heart-throb William Holden as revenge for JFK's infidelity.

What, just the one affair? If she really wanted to get back at him, why didn't she match him lover for lover?

Jackie always struck me as someone who preferred shopping to sex. Too much sex and she wouldn't have had time to pick out those rinky-dinky outfits, would she?

Oh Camilla! What a stunning old bag

The figure is sleek, the suit expensive and the hair has definitely seen a hairbrush in the last fortnight.

Forsomeonewho gave the dragged-through-a-hedge-backwards look a bad name, Camilla Parker Bowles is the picture of Di-style elegance.

Well, almost...take a look at that handbag.

There are two sorts of women in the world. Those like Diana have a selection of neat, little bags in different colours to suit different outfits. Paragons of organisational virtue, they swap a few bare essentials - Chanel lipstick, Mercedes car keys, platinum credit card - from one bag to another.

Then there are the rest of us. We have one old faithful handbag we use as a skip, tipping in every bit of rubbish until it doesn't shut.

Goodness knows how many bits of old hanky, gungy half packets of Polos and leaky biros lurk at the bottom of Camilla's bag.

I, for one, like her the better for it.

Blind justice for idol rich

Steve McFadden, alias neanderthal car mechanic Phil Mitchell in EastEnders, has been found guilty of drink driving.

His sentence? An 18-month ban and a pounds 1,000 fine, plus pounds 350 costs.

Now if McFadden had been caught one lager over the limit that might have been a fitting punishment.

But he'd guzzled the equivalent of 18 vodkas before getting behind the wheel of his Rolls-Royce. So, why the leniency?

Perhaps it was his previous good character? Unlikely. McFadden has convictions for criminal damage, burglary, assault and possession of illegal drugs.

Was his livelihood in jeopardy? Wrong again. McFadden drives himself to the EastEnders set, using any one of his three cars, including the Roller, or his six motorbikes.

If he can afford them, and on his mega TV salary topped-up by all those lucrative personal appearances he obviously can, shelling out for a chauffeur shouldn't be too much of a hardship. It was McFadden's charity work that swung it, which is fine except that a more humble taxi driver with three kids to feed who toiled tirelessly for the local youth club would be unlikely to be able to use this defence so effectively.

And that's the point. For nightclub bouncers, restaurant waiters and the proprietors of fashion boutiques to be swayed by celebrity is one thing.

When magistrates are blinded by it, then it stinks of there being one law for the rich and famous and another for the rest of us.

Oh my God, Nick Nick's born again!

Jim Davidson has found God. If he has been born again, maybe this time it might be as a human being.

THERE are 195 ways a woman can annoy a man, according to a new survey. Among the usual irritants - nagging, smoking, spitting. Spitting? One complaint from a chap was that his wife wanders round the house nude to distract him from Match Of The Day. This may irk him, but imagine how miffed she must feel when he tells her to shift her cleavage left a bit, one of her breasts is getting in the way of the telly.

MINI-SKIRTED trust fund bimbette Tamara Beckwith is rarely seen without some expensive trinket, animal, mineral or male, dangling from her pretty wrist. Her daughter Anouska is not usually among them. The nine-year-old lives with her grandparents. Tamara explains: Children "smear chocolate over themselves and then touch your things, don't they?" That little Anouska doesn't live with her vain, silly, self-centred mother is a blessing. That she is being brought up by the people who raised her mother to be vain, silly and self-centred is hardly reassuring.

TORY MP John Butcher thinks employing street entertainers at motor-way blackspots would beat road rage. The opposite, more like. If Butcher's plan gets the go-ahead, the Transport Ministry will be announcing record road deaths, including the deliberate slaying of a couple of dozen jugglers, several mime artists and a man doing a space walk down an elevated section of the M1.
No portion of this article can be reproduced without the express written permission from the copyright holder.
Copyright 1996 Gale, Cengage Learning. All rights reserved.

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Title Annotation:Features
Author:Turner, Lowri
Publication:Sunday Mirror (London, England)
Date:Jun 23, 1996
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