Giraffe-like legs? Tights have far too much material, girl.
Byline: Siobhan McNally diary of a single mum
"Jesse's mummy?" the teacher called me back at school pick-up. "Your daughter seems to be having a tights crisis this week."
We both looked at Jesse, who was trying to fold her ridiculously long legs under the hem of her skirt.
"Sorry, Mum, I was hoping no one would notice," she looked shamefaced, and then lifted her skirt to flash a shocking cobweb of shredded tights from her right thigh down to her knee. It was a raunchy look that wouldn't have been out of place in Madonna's Material Girl video, but probably broke the school's uniform rules in about 17 different ways.
"Have your legs grown another foot today then?" I sighed at Jesse.
"I'm so sorry," I apologised to the teacher. "But we seem to be going through a new pair of tights a day."
"Right, that's it," I said to Jesse as we walked to the car feeling like naughty schoolgirls. "We'll have to go back to the wire wool tights - they might be like wearing pipe lagging, but they don't contravene any public obscenity laws."
Every winter we have the same problem at school - Jesse's growing giraffe-like legs mean when trousers or tracksuits fit her waist, the bottom of the legs flap around her calves.
She's a normal eight/nine-year-old in body size but takes 11-12 year-old size in tights or trousers, which means she then spends all her time hoiking them up to Simon Cowell altitudes.
The daily discomfort for Jesse is made worse by the fact that girls' woolly tights seem to be made from an industrial waste material, and after a few washes can stand up on their own two legs - and are probably used to drill for oil.
And the gusset in woolly tights never seems to reach higher than my daughter's knees, and frankly inhibit walking, let alone running or climbing.
So that leaves us with the option of thinner denier tights, which get trashed and thrown away after less than a day.
Not only is this deeply wasteful, it's a tax on being female (or at least dressing like one).
It can't be long before the world's leading naturalist Sir David Attenborough highlights the devastating effect tights are having on the planet, and campaigns to have them banned on the grounds of unsustainability and gender discrimination.
In the meantime, Jesse will be back in her rockwool insulation garments tomorrow at school while we wait for the world to rally
It means she has to hoik them up to Simon Cowell altitudes
Jesse and pug look sheepish