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Gers blue movie is sure to be a turn-on.

Byline: TAM.COWAN

BEFORE this Rangers saga puts us all in a coma or, even worse, encourages us to watch the tennis, it's time for light relief.

A top screenwriter recently insisted Rangers: The Movie would be a box office smash and I asked readers to suggest who would play the major roles.

So, with a special mention for Peter Black, John Sillars, Donald Craig, Davie Molloy and Gerry Collins, here goes ... Directed by Jeffrey Archer and Jonathan Aitken, the film could be called The Long Goodbye, The Never Ending Story, The Borrowers, The Greatest Porky Ever Told, A Fistful of IOUs, Everything You Wanted To Know About Tax But Were Afraid To Ask or, my favourite, The Silence Of The Succulent Lambs.

Ibrox would be played by Asda and here's the rest of the cast list ... Sir David Murray - Del Boy Trotter, Jimmy Carr.

Craig Whyte - Norman Wisdom, Buster Keaton, Frank Spencer, Arnold Schwarzenegger (The Terminator), Andy Gray (Chancer).

Duff & Phelps - Burke and Hare, The Chuckle Brothers, Mike and Bernie Winters ("Oh f***, there's two of them!").

Paul Murray, Mark Dingwall & Brian Kennedy - The Three Stooges.

Dave King and Alastair Johnston - Stadler & Waldorf.

Charles Green - Fred Goodwin, Arthur Daley, The Grim Reaper.

Hector the Tax Inspector - Andy Cameron.

Stevie Naismith, Steven Whittaker or Steve Davis - Steve McQueen.

Kyle Lafferty and Jamie Ness - The Proclaimers (I Would Walk 500 Miles).

Ally McCoist - Paul Le Guen (ouch!) A Man United star Rio Ferdinand, a judge on the new ITV talent show Let's Get Gold, admits he wears lipstick.

So that explains why Roy Hodgson left him out of the England squad. The temptation for John Terry would have been too great.

A Celtic fans are chuffed that Fraser Forster is to stay at Parkhead but is there any need for gloating? How else can you describe the email I received from FrannyBhoy that said: "Do you think we should sign Allan McGregor as his No.2?"

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SCENE STEALER Jeffrey Archer
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Publication:Daily Record (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:Jul 7, 2012
Words:331
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