Gav 'n' Chav should be our Nativity celebrities!
Well, here we go again - 'tis the season to be merry, tra-la-la-la-la. . . la-la-la-laaahhhh! All set for ye traditional olde Christmas are we? Fine, but think about it first. We've moved on a bit since Silent Night so given the way Our Town celebrates His birth it's more:
Saturday night, Saturday night, quick call the cops there's one helluva fight; all because Blodwen's been banned from the bar, 24 lagers was going too far...
Nope, there hasn't been a Silent Night in Cardiff since all-day opening.
And what about Hark the Herald Angels Sing? How would that celestial choir go down today? Yes, it's the X-mas factor.
SHARON: "Oooh, that was just reely, truly amaaaazing, boys. You're Westlife with wings. Reely, truly, reely amaaaazing."
LOUIS: "Yes, great presentation, specially that floating in the air bit. But the choice of songs, they don't, you know, grab me."
SIMON: "For once I agree with Louis. Like, that line 'offspring of a virgin's womb' isn't exactly Christmas number one stuff. And those harps? (Typical Cowell eye-rolling). Sorry, but you won't make the final."
DAANII: Hey there Sport, yep, you in the middle, Gabriel is it? Well wot are you doing after the show big boy?"
So next time it happens it'll be El Divo making the announcement.
Good King Wenceslas? Not any more. Try Good President for Life Wenceslas and forget the Feast of Stephen. Make it the Anniversary of the Glorious Revolution. Those Three Kings of Orient would be in Guantanamo before they got halfway to the stable- what, three bearded blokes from the desert?
Meanwhile, what of Father Christmas himself in these troubled times?
"Merry what? You can stuff your Merry Chrismus. Don't think I'll bother this year. Now everyone knows I'm out all over Chrismus Eve. So what 'appened last year? Liverpool an' Everton weren't playing so that Scouse mob give 'em a rest and turned me over instead. They said Alex Curran was terrified. Should've seen Mrs Chrismus. When she fainted she flattened arfa dozen elves."
And aren't our pantomimes a little dated these days? Dick Whittington, Lord Mayor of London? No chance, not with Boris the Blonde Bombshell and Class Warrior Ken fiddling the vote. Robinson Crusoe? Blimey, Man Friday'd have him up in front of the Race Relations mob before the curtain went up on their desert island.
Then there's this panto hero who breaks into posh houses and abducts small boys and girls.
JUDGE: "You say, Mr Pan, you were looking for WHAT when you kidnapped Miss Wendy Darling and her siblings? Your . . .your shadow? Well, this court has heard some far fetched stories but..."
Meanwhile, the most iconic Christmas image of all is surely due for change. In 2004, Madame Tussauds created a "celebrity Nativity" with blue-shawled Posh the Virgin, Becks as Joseph, the Angel Kylie hovering above them, Bush, Blair and Prince Philip the Three Wise Men - a monumental piece of miscasting, you'd think.
Well, there's a spot in St David's Centre for our very own Nativity scene, so who else but Gav and Charlotte, proud parents, Ruby the ready-made infant, angelic Katherine Jenkins floating above the silk-lined, luxury Mothercare cot?
And if we can believe in Charlotte the Virgin, we can, if pushed, believe in Rhodri, Lembit and Ieuan as Wise Men ( I said, if pushed). One last thought: do not dream of singing White Christmas round the old log telly. It's racist. That word "white", see. Who said so? Some dimwit complaining to the Race Relations Board - proving, if you needed proof, that nothing in my seasonal ramblings is as daft as real life.