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Football: Worried pundits really thought it was bowel over; WORLD CUP 2006 WORLD CUP TV WATCH.

Byline: DAN K. SCHUNE

ITV's Clive Tyldesley, the secret love child of Margaret Thatcher and Jim Davidson, summed it up just seconds before the interval at the Franken-Stadion.

"England a whisker away from conceding a goal on the stroke of halftime," he yelped after John Terry cleared a Stern John effort off the line.

His co-commentator Gareth Southgate echoed those sentiments with: "We'll be relieved to go in at half-time nil-nil."

Adodgy moment for England, and any hosenscheisser on the ITV panel.

Hosenscheisser, what does that mean I hear you ask. Let me explain in the nicest way I can. It's what the Germans would call a nervous person whose bowels loosen before they can get their pants off.

That's your German word for the day and I sincerely hope I'm not creating a stink with my teaching methods.

But let's cut to the chase and the millions of viewers in Britain and throughout the world who tuned into what was meant to be a cake-walk against the Soca Warriors, witnessed a miracle.

Wayne Rooney rose again to bless us all with the sort of resurrection we thought we'd never witness in our lifetime. Him and his mended metatarsal came on in the second half. Hallelujah, praise the Lord.

Meanwhile, I was looking for a witch doctor but they're like policemen, you can never find one when you need one.

In fact I was just saying that the other day to my neighbour, Mrs Biggar, when she was hanging out her smalls on the washing line.

Actually they weren't really "smalls" at all, they looked like Fern Britton's, although I'm not privy to what the This Morning presenter wears under her skirt.

However, according to John Champion, the Ecuador squad don't have a problem finding a Witch Doctor.

The ITV commentator informed us prior to the match against Costa Rica in Hamburg that the South Americans had a session with theirs, to cast out any evil spirits.

He's the top man but silly me, I'd lost his mobile number and for the life of me I couldn't figure out how to get my voodoo-doll working.

Hours it took me to make a perfect plasticine likeness of Terry Venables for the En-ger-land shindig but every time I stuck a pin in its bum the pretentious pundit never winced.

I saw him fidget in his chair at half time but that wasn't my doing, it was probably more to do with a hosenscheisser moment.

However, in the end Peter Crouch solved that problem with a headed goal, although it did bring on a serious bout of verbal durchfall from Tyldesley and Venables.

And it got worse when Steven Gerrard rattled the second past Shaka Hislop. Incidentally, durchfall, is German for diarrhoea.

"Job done," Tyldesley said when the final whistle went. Or was it "jobby done".

CAPTION(S):

MAN FOR THE BIG JOBBY: Crouch calmed nerves
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Title Annotation:Sport
Publication:Daily Record (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:Jun 16, 2006
Words:483
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