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FAGGED OUT

Cigarette sponsorship might be on its way out of Formula 1, but it's alive and well in the Premiership. First there was Manchester City's remarkable tribute to Embassy Number Ones. Now comes Chelski's new white- and-blue away kit, which bears an uncanny resemblance to the Embassy Regal packet.

So how long before Steve McClaren starts prowling the Riverside Stadium sidelines in cowboy gear, exhorting fans to `Come To Middlesbro Country'? And, given the years of suffering the White Hart Lane faithful have been subjected to, shouldn't Spurs' shirts start carrying a warning like the one opposite?

DIFFERENCE

OF OPINION

Number of season tickets returned by Man United fans furious at the sale of Juan Veron, according to a downmarket tabloid: "Hundreds." Actual number of of season tickets returned by Man United fans furious at the sale of Juan Veron, according to the Old Trafford ticket office: "None."

SADDAM'S BAGHDAD BLUES

According to reports from the Middle East, Saddam Hussain has been captured by Iraqi freedom fighters and is being held captive in a house in his hometown of Tikrit. The US government is offering the rebels $35million for his capture.

Chelsea have gone to $40million.

SORRY

EXCUSE

FOR A

GAFFE

The greatest correction in the world, from The Guardian this week: "In our interview with Sir Jack Hayward, the chairman of Wolverhampton Wanderers yesterday, we mistakenly attributed to him the following comment: `Our team was the worst in the First Division and I'm sure it'll be the worst in the Premier League.' Sir Jack had just declined the offer of a hot drink. What he actually said was `Our tea was the worst in the First Division and I'm sure it will be the worst in the Premier League.' Profuse apologies."

It's the greatest Guardian moment since they claimed black singer Patti Boulaye backed apartheid, only to admit later on she'd been talking about her liking for "a party".

You What?

'I've achieved nothing and won nothing. That's why I'm at Liverpool'

YOU SAID IT, HARRY KEWELL..

WEIGH TO GO

Which Premiership striker shed some of his pre-season pork by driving round in the recent heatwave... with all his windows up and his in-car heater on full blast?

ELEPHANT DUNG

With Ricky Gervais calling it quits after only one more episode of The Office, The Predator has identified his replacement as David Brent. Step forward Manchester United marketing guru Peter Draper, whose baffling corporatespeak rivals even that of the Brentmeister General ("Wernham- Hogg is one big pie and the people are the fruit").

Recent examples which the Stretford End will no doubt be chanting any day now are "Manchester United are in the escapology business" and "we are packaging loyalty and affinity".

But weirdest of all is Draper's verdict on the club's US tour: "I'm sure there will be people in Texas and Arizona who will be none the wiser, but you can't eat the elephant all at once."
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Article Details
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Title Annotation:Sport
Publication:The Mirror (London, England)
Date:Aug 16, 2003
Words:491
Previous Article:FOOTBALL: 'OLD THE BACK PAGES.
Next Article:FOOTBALL: THE PUB ROW - ARE FANS RIGHT TO SLAG OFF BOWYER?


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