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Football: Only Excuses column.

Where is my team - and who is Franco?The Doctor

YES, I think that John Paul McBride is one for future, one for to play many games for Celtics and he will be doing good play for club here at Celtic's park on the field and ... sorry? He has? Right, ok. Well in that case.

David Hannah is very important player for squad, he is good for spirit in team because he remind of comedy person Woody Allen because after he run about with new football boots the other players make joke about Hannah and his Blisters. I think David will continue to play a role ... sorry, him too?

Errrr, Franco Callaghan? No, I have never seen Franco play, I think he may be from Spain but I don't know. He looks a bit old to play, we shall see.

Mark Viduka? Sorry, could you remind me please who he is again?

Charlie - The people's pundit YES, for me, and for certainty, punter-wise, Saturdays is what football is all about.

Hearts, themselves a shadow of their former pail, came to Celtic Park to make things difficult for themselves and that's exactly what they did.

But what about Larsson, three goals and in my book that's a hat-trick.

As for Motherwell, I'm pure shocked. Not that Dundee won but that Steven Tweed scored.

Motherwell were pressing hard for an equaliser but late on Dundee got a massive boost, Brian Irvine was sent off, after that they were always going to hold out.

Not Provan HELLO reader, yes reader, well reader, Vinnie Jones. What is our game coming to when guys like this are being linked with moves to one of our supposedly top clubs?

At a time when quality money-grabbers like Guivarc'h, Klos and Van Bronckhorst are being discarded by their national coaches the last thing we need is an 'actor' cum chat show host cum neighbour bating bampot like 'Welshman' Vincent Van Guff coming up here to kick lumps out of our own home-grown foreign imports.

I don't blame Hearts, after all it's quite unusual for a club to still be trying to kick-start their season in February but Jones is not the answer.

Isn't it just a pity that Mike Tyson's back in the nick.

Chico HO! HO! HO! Phone 'The Lancet', get Sam Galbraith, open up Doctor Finlay's casebook and gie Dr Kildare a shout as well. The Health Service is a disgrace. More money must be spent on discovering a cure for the mystery bug which floored Rangers' Colin "Braveheart" Hendry.

Now I know there are incurable diseases that need to be researched and I can exclusively reveal that even as I speak scientists are seeking out cures for totally sensational bad things like hangovers and the dry boke but is it too much to ask that a few million pounds is diverted to make sure that a Rangers player never again has to suffer a sore tummy and a dose of the skitters?

Craig Thingmae ERRRR, weeellll, I have to say, I've always felt that there's nothing like a good kick in the teeth to reward dedication and inspire loyalty especially from goalkeepers who have stuck with the squad and given their all for Scotland even although they're really English.

That's why I thought I'd sound out Andy Goram and beg him to come back.

Not because I don't rate Sullivan and Gould and want to dent their confidence or even cause them humiliation but because even though he's overweight and unfit with a lifestyle as dodgy as his knees I still think Goram is better than them.

Rambo WELL, look, I ... ehh ... uhmmm ... oh, it's a tricky one but ... see ... ehhh ... I don't want to upset anyone here ... ahhmm ... ok put it this way ... ahmmm ... rugby is crap.

It's a fact, no it is, come on, Jai, you only need to look at it. Big farmers and lawyers and ex-public school boys huffing and puffing and pulling at each others ba's.

That's not sport. Sport should be a beautiful thing. I mean, I'm an Ayrshire boy, I make no bones about it, I was raised with Ayrshire junior football.

I have gazed in awe at the majesty of an Auchinleck Talbot-Kilwinning Rangers match and I'm telling you these guys have turned grunting and gouging into a martial art.

So when I hear people going on about how great a sport rugby is I think they are simply glorifying mindless thuggery and violence and I really detest that so much that if anybody disagrees with me I'll punch their lights out. Whitey RIGHT, cheers mates. Well, what about that terrible tabloid tittle-tattle on Sunday? Andy Goram. What a character!

I mean, let's keep things in perspective, they were old pictures, he was probably just a daft boy of 30 at the time.

But I will say this, anyone who's stupid enough to get photographed doing what they shouldn't be doing like, say, off the top of my head, wearing a flute band jacket then it was just a wee joke and you should give them a break. Right mates?

Anyway, enough about me ... er ... I mean, enough about personalities in general ... what about the Jambos?

This is the team who ruined Rangers big last hurrah in the Scottish Cup final. When I see the state they're in now all I can say is ... brilliant!

Oh, before I forget, a wee word about Rangers. Isn't it just incredible to think that a team with the likes of Vidmar, Porrini, Amoruso and Kanchelskis in it can be so far ahead in the League?

Dunfermline? Plucky wee team - and I mean that in the most patronising manner - but surely there are just too many ex-Teddies in that team to really try?

And what about Big Andy Smith and that penalty? Thanks Andy for making a complete hash of it.GLENN SHOULD HAVE LEGGED ITThe LawmanGLENN HODDLE? Stupid boy. No, I'll tell you, he's worse than a stupid boy, he's a stupid, stupid, boy and he's not very bright either.

When he realised he'd made a terrible mistake he should have done the honourable thing, committed the noble act of nicking his mates suits and legging it back out of Italy ... no, hold on, not that noble act, I mean the noble act of falling on his sword. Never mind. With a match against the World Champions of the World, France, coming up I'd like to say I don't just like to see England lose a football match. I'm delighted to see them lose anything!

Uncle Gerry - The Voice of a Football BIN this space and watch this nonsense now! National news? The England manager gets his jotters?

This is more important than Heather the Weather?

The English Broadcast Corporation has put Scotland well and truly in it's place.

At least Scottish Television's news flagship, Scotland Today, largely ignored it although this may have been due to a technical error.
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Copyright 1999 Gale, Cengage Learning. All rights reserved.

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Title Annotation:Sport
Author:Differ, Phil; Watson, Jonathan
Publication:The Mirror (London, England)
Date:Feb 9, 1999
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