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Football: How sad as old Clive cries out for English life Lyne; WORLD CUP 2006 WORLD CUP TV WATCH.

Byline: By Wes Fallon

IT was like listening to someone trying to talk their way out of a miserable situation, when all they really wanted to do was go into the foetal position and sob.

For all we know, ITV's Clive Tyldesley maybe did curl up in a corner of his commentary box and weep during the interval in Dortmund last night.

And maybe his fellow babbler, David Pleat, had to hug him and say: "There, there Clive, it'll be alright, it's not the end of the world son." You never know!

What Tyldesley said was: "There is still an Englishman in the World Cup and there he is, Simone Perrotta. He was born in Ashton-under-Lyne you know. Lived there until he was six."

Oddly enough, I felt sorry for Tyldesley, not enough to put me off my bratwurst which I washed down with a nice Apulia wine but just the teeniest weeniest bit of pity.

That didn't last long though for Tyldesley, the original White Van Man, just wouldn't let it go during the Germany-Italy semi-final.

And he had to add: "Guess what, David - remember that I said Perrotta was born in Ashton-under-Lyne, well so too was Geoff Hurst. The place has a good World Cup pedigree."

Honestly, it was like something out of the Fast Show. Indeed, I'm convinced the Ron Manager character was based on Tyldesley.

Whatever, but having watched Wimbledon earlier in the day and listened to the excellent commentary technique of John McEnroe, I firmly believe football is the dumping ground for duds with microphones.

Ausgezeichnet is how I'd describe Mac, the erstwhile brat, and suffice to say Tyldesley has a very definite eifersuchtig streak.

Two German words for the price of one today! One means magnificent, the other, jealous.

But hey, although I prefer my World Cup BBC style, I've got to say that watching it on ITV can have its benefits. I mean, there are so many ad breaks you don't have to listen so much to the likes of Terry Venables and Andy Townsend.

Now, is that a bonus or what! And I'll tell you this, commercials for mobile phones, holidays and feminine hygiene products are welcome relief from Tel the spiv and that Andy fella.

Now that I've mentioned feminine hygiene, could someone please tell me why the adidas World Cup ball has what looks like a sanitary towel on it?

No, I'm in no way being tacky or just downright silly here, although I am talking balls, as it were.

But come on, you've been watching the World Cup for almost a month now and I'll bet some of you have said to the wife: "That ball has a sanitary towel on it."

Admit it, own up. I've been saying it from day one to anyone willing to listen.
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Title Annotation:Sport
Publication:Daily Record (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:Jul 5, 2006
Words:469
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