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SO Arsene Wenger wants the season to continue until August - that's like turkeys voting for a three-week Christmas, schoolkids requesting more homework, henpecked husbands volunteering for extra nagging duty.

The Arsenal chief reckons that only now are Arsenal getting into their stride and that a dozen extra games would see them close the gap on Chelsea at the top.

Get real, Arsene, vous avez un laugh, aren't you? The season's been miserable enough for you without extra helpings of agony

Here's what would really happen if Wenger got his wish.

JUNE 1: Thierry Henry and Patrick Vieira are discovered in a hotel conference room surrounded by banknotes. There is no-one else present, but on a chair in a corner sits a two-way transmitter, a balaclava, and a Portuguese phrase-book.

JUNE 14: Chelsea go 50 points clear and Wenger complains it's crazy to stage Royal Ascot in the middle of the football season. Jose Mourinho is anointed next Pope. Ruud Van Nistelrooy wins the St James's Palace Stakes.

JUNE 26: The transfer window re-opens. Wenger signs a Swiss 12-year-old and predicts she's one for the future. Mourinho signs Real Madrid. Fergie signs on the dole

JUNE 31: Arsenal are drawn against Partizan Rhyl in the pre-qualifying round (northern section) of the European Cup. Wenger calls for a mid-summer break for his exhausted players.

JULY 3: Arsenal fall 66 points behind Chelsea and Wenger re-opens mind games with Fergie, asking him what two and two makes. Fergie says be believes he'll get back into football because you always need something to believe in. "I believe I'll have another drink," he adds.

JULY 17: Chelsea lap Arsenal.

JULY 24: Mourinho wins Pop Idol

AUGUST 1: The season ends with Chelsea so far ahead even Joddrell Bank can't keep track. Mourinho is voted manager of the year, best-dressed man of the year, rear of the year, and Pope of the year, and is made favourite with Hills to have the Christmas No.1 single


YOU'RE THE MAN: Mourinho
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Title Annotation:Sport
Publication:The Mirror (London, England)
Date:Apr 11, 2005
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