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Flower of Scotland.

Byline: nathan bevan

Anyone see John Barrowman: The Making of Me last week?

In it, the Torchwood/Doctor Who star took an hour to explore what made him the way he is, nature or nurture?

Well, I don't mind telling you that I was gobsmacked by the revelations about John's private life. I honestly had no idea. I mean, he hides it so well, doesn't he?

No, not the gayness. I'm not talking about that.

Hell, there's tribes of blind and deaf Inuit eskimos in the frozen Arctic tundra as yet untouched by Western civilisation who know John Barrowman is a fully paid-up, card-carrying member of the Friends of Dorothy fan club and as gay as a window.

No, what shocked me is the fact that he is, in fact, Scottish!

The bit where he goes to visit his parents, a couple of twinkly-eyed kindly Glaswegians who've lived Stateside for more than 30 years but still talk very och-aye-the-noo, was hilarious. As soon as they'd opened the front door, Barrowman went from being all Hello Dolly to Take The High Road, from Scissor Sisters to The Proclaimers.

"You dressed me in a bikini, didn't you think that would make me gay?" he shouted across the dinner table in a sudden thick Caledonian burr, sounding like Billy Connolly after a back, sack and crack wax and a seaweed peel.

"We were on the QE2," replied John's dad, bafflingly, by way of a defence.

"It was a beauty pageant, we needed the money!"

Elsewhere, the eternally game singer of show tunes vowed to have his gayness tested once and for all - should anyone out there still be in any doubt - by putting his winky through a lie detector test.

A loop of wire loaded with nerve sensors was wrapped around Little John (not Richard, this was a different kind of Dick) and he was made to sit, sniggering and naked from the waist down, through a series of naughty film clips.

It was kind of like that scene from A Clockwork Orange where Malcolm McDowell's eyes are clamped open and he's forced to watch footage of violent atrocities, but with jiggling boobs and bums instead.

Apparently, according to the readings of the penile plethysmograph, John preferred watching naked men on screen to scantily-clad ladies. Go figure. I don't think cutting edge medical science had really told us anything John's huge childhood collection of Barbies and undying love for Abba hadn't already.
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Publication:Wales On Sunday (Cardiff, Wales)
Date:Jul 27, 2008
Words:409
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