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First things first.

Telephone conversations with my mum are very exasperating.

She knows how the telephonic system works, but completely disregards it out of sheer pigheadedness. She is the only person, apart from cold callers, to use my landline and when we speak, we always have to spend the first 10 minutes discussing who phoned who last and why that person didn't answer the phone. It goes like this:

Mum: I've been trying to phone you!

Me: I've been out, Mum, I just got in. How are you

Mum: But I tried to phone you at

2. Me: I was out. How's Dad

Mum: Then again at 3. Me: I was out, Mum, I told you I wouldn't be home until 5. Is the dog OK

Mum: Yes, but I phoned you at 4. You didn't answer. Me: I've literally just got in the door. Is it nice weather there

Mum: I left a message. Me: Mum, I've just got in the door, I've still got my coat on. Is everything OK

Mum: Well, I tried to phone you. Me: Yes, and I tried to phone you before went out, but no one answered.

efore I we Mum: NO! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE, I've been here the whole time, you can't have phoned! Me: I tried to phone your mobile too, you didn't answer that either.

Mum: Well, that's upstairs in the shoe cupboard. Don't be difficult.

eve ch She lives in a world where all phone users are liars, that everybody she tries to phone is at home but chooses instead to hide behind their sofa avoiding answering, and that when she phones your landline you should pick up even if you are in Sainsbury's. She will phone you when it's convenient for her, even though you've told her you won't be in, and believes mobiles are for switching off and hiding in the safe.

we switchi g ph be w My grandmother is just as bad. We all phone her, but she doesn't hear it because she has the TV on full blast and has 95-year-old ears. Then when you say you tried to phone she calls you a bare-faced liar, she hasn't even switched her telly on for 15 years and her ears are fine. She will also leave 32 answerphone messages of her breathing while Newsround is blaring in the background, even though she knows you are at work, but she needs parsley. Like I said, exasperating eve

Notes on life by a Notebooker

Name: Flavia Bertolini

Lives: A Londoner born and bred (despite all those vowels in my surname).

About me: I own 99 dresses. I am obsessed with hip-hop and pencils (geek). I think I am well funny. Some days my hair is bigger than me.

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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:Sunday Mirror (London, England)
Date:Jun 18, 2017
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