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Fanzone: Ask the prof.

I HAD one Schnapps too many last night celebrating the Bahai religion's Feast of Knowledge and I have become muddled with a befuddled brain.

In a state such as this usually hesitate to contemplate but my good lady tells me sore heads don't pay bills. So here goes:

Q: AFTER shaving I took out my favourite after-shave and splashed it all over. But some went in my eye and left me seeing stars. Do you think it would be a good idea to try this before I go to watch my home-town team Raith Rovers? - Henry, Kirkcaldy.

A: SPLASHING smelly liquid in your eye seems a brutish thing to do and I have never tried it since an unfortunate accident with my beloved's Estee Lauder in the back of a Lada. My young friend William says that if you want to see real stars you should hold on till next year when your team may well be playing Ayr United.

Q: EVERY day I say my prayers that I can become rich and successful. It seems I am halfway there because I've moved from a bedsit in West Lothian to a tenement flat in Govan. But the success bit seems as far away as ever. Is God listening or is he having a laugh? - Marvin, Glasgow.

A: HE who hears all can't listen to everyone at the same time. To keep things simple he mostly gives prizes to the best teams with the best players. Shame.

Q: I RECKON global warming will lead to golf courses being flooded most of the year so I've now invented a ball that floats. Am I on to a winner? - Farquhar, Forfar.

A: NO. How can a player sink a putt with an unsinkable ball? The rain has got into your brain.
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Title Annotation:Sport
Publication:Sunday Mail (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:Oct 17, 2004
Previous Article:Fanzone: BUDS No.2 HAD THIS No.1 ON THE SMELLING SALTS.
Next Article:SPORTING HIGHLIGHT... FOOTBALL: Wednesday Shakhtar Donetsk v Celtic.

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