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Fanzone: Ask the Prof.

AND here was me thinking I had problems what with the Lady Prof off on sabbatical to sunny Stonehaven and me having to reheat my own chips. Then I opened the mailbag ...

Q: ON my hols over in the Costa Brava I developed severe Henrik withdrawal symptoms every time I saw a road sign for Barcelona. I've since had to burn all my old Heaven 17 albums and break out in a cold sweat each time I see a bald man. I fear the sight of Jim Duffy will push me over the edge when Celtic play Dundee during the new season. Why oh why did the sainted Swede have to leave us this way? Nick McGuinness, Coatbridge.

A: THE loss of a loved one can be traumatic so perhaps a hypnotist can help. Every time you see John Hartson you can imagine he's four stone lighter, speaks in a low monotone and is prone to sticking his tongue out. And get your wife to draw in some hair on any photos of the follicley challenged gents in your Sunday Mail. Especially Gordon Waddell and Mark Guidi.

Q: AFTER watching Todd Hamilton win The Open at Troon I'm more convinced than ever that the world's big golfing tourneys are there for the taking. OK, I know people say I play like a hacker and that I have the concentration of a gnat with the runs but if guys like Curtis and Micheel can win a Major, anyone can. Big Col, Wentworth.

A: JUST how many times do have to tell you to stop troubling me at work, Monty? You've as much chance of winning a biggie at your age as Camilla Parker Bowles has of winning Miss World. Now put that petted lip away and get up to the Savoy for grab-a-granny night.

Q: I'm fed up spending a fortune on the weans at Fir Park what with pies, sweets, juice and all that. Any suggestions,Prof? Fat Boab, Holytown.

A: Take them to granny's pre-match and get her to stuff them with mince and tatties till they can't eat any more. They'll be too full to move so you can have a couple of pints then go to the game as is your god-given right.
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Title Annotation:Sport
Publication:Sunday Mail (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:Aug 1, 2004
Words:376
Previous Article:Fanzone: THERE'S NO GLOVE LOST.
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