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FINE LINES; Showbiz THE MYTH O F STAR'S REAR Jennifer Lopez denies her bottom is insured for a billion dollars.

THEY said what? TV writer Marion McMullen checks out some of the funniest and most bizarre comments from the mouths of the famous in 2011.

SEX SYMBOLS The other morning I looked across at David just after he'd woken up and thought 'you look really cr*p.' Thank God, because this is a man who always looked so perfect.

Victoria Beckham.

My wife finds the whole sex symbol thing rather amusing. She knows me as the man who doesn't pick up his socks.

Actor Colin Firth.

Who needs Golden Globes when you've got these?" Actress Helena Bonham Carter on her bust measurement.

I am not writing an instruction book on how to have sex. I don't like talking about it. I like having it.

Nancy Dell'Olio.

At 83, I find a good book more interesting. Hairdresser Vidal Sassoon when asked whether sex was important to him. The average person thinks about sex quite a bit during the day - but for me, multiply that by five. Pamela Stephenson, sex therapist and wife of comedian Billy Connolly. I am sexually irresistible, of course. Witty, fragrant and radiant. Broadcaster Vanessa Feltz. PET HATES I'm impatient. If someone dithers at traffic lights I start to imagine what they would look like without a head.

Jeremy Clarkson. I hate blind people. Why should they have a room with a view? Joan Rivers. Watching television at the moment is infuriating me. All those people just sitting on large sofas like over-sexed bisons. Best-selling writer Jilly Cooper. If you're the guy behind the microphone, you're the maggot on the hook waiting to be eaten. Broadcaster Chris Evans on the perils of his job. The only thing I couldn't stand were my constituents. Entertainer Gyles Brandreth recalls his days as a Conservative MP. TRUE CONFESSIONS When I'm improvising I say anything that comes to mind - a lot of it disgusting.

Comic actor Russell Brand. I fart whenever I'm asked. I'm a good farter, being a vegetarian. Like every good ogre, I eat lots of greens. It is a natural function. I've always said that. Actress Amanda Holden demonstrates her credentials for playing the screwball Princess Fiona in Shrek The Musical. As a teenager, I yearned for the looks of a Chanel model, but felt more like a cross-Channel ferry. TV presenter Penny Smith. I have a terrible habit of turning round to look at attractive ladies' bottoms. As I've got older, I can wait longer, but eventually it must stop. Impressionist and actor Alistair McGowan. I've made a career out of cheese. Singer James Blunt. There was too much boozing when I was younger and I'd get into a few scrapes. But I've mellowed. I'm a nice drunk. Actor Ray Winstone. It's like watching your mother-inlaw go over a cliff in your new Bentley... the agony and the ecstasy. Former chat show host Larry King on watching his successor Piers Morgan.

I am not named after Heston motorway services. Top chef Heston Blumenthal. LOOKS AREN'T EVERYTHING My bottom is not insured for a billion dollars. And I don't spend hours fixating on it. The story is an urban myth. Actress Jennifer Lopez. I never want to look like hell. As long as I've got the money, if I see something sagging, dragging or bagging, I'll go get nipped, tucked and sucked. Singer Dolly Parton I believed that if I had a smaller, neater derriere accompanied by bosoms that stood up on their own, my life would be vastly improved in every possible way. Actress Arabella Weir, who coined the expression "Does my bum look big in this?" I'm Dorothy's daughter up top, but the Tin Man down below.

Liza Minnelli (above), daughter of Judy Garland, citing The Wizard Of Oz to draw attention to her two false hips and one false knee. I had one scar here from when I fell on a glass, so the left leg isn't as pricey as the right one. Supermodel Heidi Klum, whose legs have been insured for two million dollars. I am not well aligned. I've got one hip higher than the other, with a kind of pelvic tilt. Not in a sexy Shakira kind of way, but in a sad, pathological type of way. My husband's a doctor and he's got the right name for it: he calls it 'sub-human.'" Comic actress Ronni Ancona. I have the build of a runner and the muscle tone of a very soggy trifle. In an uncovered state, I look like a child who has done a collage with some Twiglets. Comedian Chris Addison. RELATIONSHIPS Everyone I meet is gay, married or crackers.Victoria Wood. Someone would be bound to fall in the font.

Entertainer Miranda Hart explaining why she would not want a church wedding. Alimony comes from the Latin word meaning to rip a man's genitals out through the wallet. Actor Robin Williams, who has been through two expensive divorces. DYING WISHES If I do die, tell every woman that I have ever been with that I was talking about her at the time. Actor James Nesbitt. I want to be cremated, making sure I am well-seasoned and cooked to perfection. Celebrity chef Gary Rhodes. You can kill time as much as you like, but sooner or later it will return the favour. Broadcaster Danny Baker. In a small number of cases, MPs' deaths have been the most colourful event of their careers, eclipsing their worthy achievements. Avoid death in any circumstances that might interest the tabloids. Labour MP Paul Flynn's advice to fellow Parliamentarians. THE FINAL WORD Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. Actor Rupert Everett (left).

CAPTION(S):

HE DOESN'T ALWAYS LOOK THIS GOOD: David and Victoria Beckham WITTY: King's Speech stars Helena Bonham-Carter and Colin Firth URBAN MYTH: Jennifer Lopes DISGUSTING: Russell Brand WIND: Amanda Holden MAGGOT: Chris Evans SEX ON THE BRAIN: Pamela Stephenson IRRESISTIBLE: Vanessa Feltz GIRL TALK: James Nesbitt
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:Coventry Evening Telegraph (England)
Date:Dec 31, 2011
Words:988
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