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Exposing real conspiracy.

Byline: @choochsdad MIKEMILLIGAN It's a funny old world

WE dwell in a world of the unexplained, where mystery and myth exist in the shadows and conspiracy weaves its secretive web through the corridors of power.

Well that's what the conspiracy theory heed-the-balls, rogue bloggers and 46-year-old goth blokes who live with their mums say. In a fantasy parallel world where Elvis allegedly shot Kennedy, they genuinely believe a Government that can't even sort out an outfit to run the East coast Main Line properly is so sinisterly omnipotent that it can cover up all traces of the existence of aliens.

Givowwer! For instance, they'll question if Trump really was a Russian plant (with plant being the operative word) for if the man's apparent IQ were any lower, we would indeed have to water him twice a day).

Phenomena like UFOs though? Hmmm. I don't deny that, in the vastness of the universe, or even our own galaxy, there must be other life forms capable of space travel.

However, no matter which alien world you come from, journeys to earth ain't gonna be cheap.

Why would an alien astronaut, probably the best and brightest they've got, travel light years to our planet to then just stick a probe up a bloke with bad teeth in an Italia 90 tracksuit from remotest Cornwall who lives in a VW camper van? Surely he would do better to land on the White House lawn rather than creating a pattern for a Led Zep album cover in some Glastonbury cornfield (are these possibly alien students on some cosmic wind-up?) The recent tape of an alien autopsy was eventually revealed as a hoax - but it was too late to stop it influencing the lowest point of Ant and Dec's career with a film of the same name. What about the real mysteries of the universe, such as how a recent minister thought the environment a school is set in has no impact on the kids' life chances.

Even ET would notice that the majority of cabinet members are posh, privately-educated white blokes who went to Oxbridge.

Coincidence? If the school catchment is irrelevant, Mr Politician, then why not "go compare" the price of insuring a car in Jesmond (no denying it's a lovely place) to that of some poor punter in the part of Gateshead I was born in.

Clearly the insurance risk assessors haven't read your crackpot scribblings on the irrelevance of postcodes influencing life.

Another whole cable channel documentary could be devoted to eerie, disturbing and inexplicable disappearances - no, not the yeti or Flight 19, but rather the tax revenues from certain mickey-taking multinationals which operate openly in our country and pay less to the exchequer than a fiddling hairdresser.

Then there could be blurry and shaking hand-held footage that seems to show a politician holding up a plan to dual the A1 North of Newcastle at general election time, before they disappear back doon The Smoke more swiftly and convincingly than Lord Lucan riding Shergar over to Martin Bormann's House.

What about the blurred lines of reality and fantasy that the government tried to keep secret from the public? I don't mean some secret X-File on the true nature of UFOs, but rather the criminal fiddling of expenses by those people we voted in (despite the fact more people voted for Susan Boyle than Tezza May-be).

With such gannin's on, the real mystery is why any alien would want to visit us in the first place! |Mike is hosting his own comedy club evening at Whickham Glebe Sports Club on Saturday, February 24, featuring Radio Newcastle's Alfie Joey, along with Cal Halbert - AKA "The Mimic Men" - as seen on TV show Britain's Got Talent. Tickets are available on the door or from the venue.
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Publication:Evening Chronicle (Newcastle, England)
Date:Feb 13, 2018
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