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Dr VERNON'S CASEBOOK; Your problems...his solutions.

My husband humiliated me by fondling a girl's bottom

QMY husband and I went to a summer dance recently. While we were there I saw my husband, who I admit had had too much to drink, squeeze the bottom of a young woman with whom he was dancing.

I did not make a scene at the time but when we got in the car to go home I told him exactly what I thought of him.

I said that I felt totally humiliated and that I wanted him to write to the people we knew at the dance to apologise for his behaviour.

He says that this would make both of us look extremely foolish but I think he has to be taught a lesson.

ADON'T push it. You've had your apology and you have, I suspect, squeezed this incident dry. Forget it. I suggest that instead of making a major scene out of a minor indiscretion you concentrate on making sure that the only bottom your husband wants to fondle in future is yours.

According to new European Union rules, which I have just made up, all healthy red-blooded males over the age of 21 are entitled to fondle - briefly - one consenting extra-marital bottom every five years. But their wives are entitled to make them feel really bad about it.

QMY doctor has prescribed a drug called Adizem. Can you please tell me what it is for? He didn't tell me.

APOSSIBLE reasons to take Adizem may include the management of angina pectoris and the treatment of mild to moderate hypertension.

Possible side-effects may include nausea, headache, skin rashes, oedema of the legs, flushing, fatigue, slow heart rate and changes in liver function tests and renal function.

QMY wife is totally predictable. She always wears the same sort of extremely boring underwear; she always wears a long, cotton nightdress; and she always comes to bed wearing face cream. On Saturdays she always comes to bed with her hair in curlers. What can I do?

ASCRAP merchant Sir Ramick Hobbs, whose autobiography Sacks, Dregs And Wrecking Role would have been a bestseller if more people had bought it and who has just been elected President-in-waiting of the Pot Hole Manufacturers Association, once told me that he regards predictability as a virtue and an asset in any relationship.

"Life contains too many surprises," he told me. "Predictability gives my life stability."

I think he is talking phooey. Just how predictable are YOU I wonder? When did you last arrive home with flowers or a bottle of champagne? When did you last kiss your wife unexpectedly? When did you last buy her underwear that she was too embarrassed to take back to the store?

QI SUFFER a great deal from wind. I become very bloated and my clothes get tight. Some days I look six or seven months pregnant which is embarrassing since everyone I work with knows that I am not married. Besides, I am male.

ATHE average individual breaks wind between eight and 20 times a day. Some wind-breaking is done silently. Some is not. Your diet may be the cause.

Watch out for cabbage, broccoli, beans, onions, cauliflower and radishes. I have recorded a special helpline for men and women who suffer from wind. Telephone my advice line 0839 664 478 (charges as for my other Helplines).

QI AM 64. Don't you think that shops and supermarkets should have special check-out places for elderly people so that we don't have to stand and queue?

AWHY shouldn't old people stand and queue? They are probably the only people in our society who have time to stand and queue. Not all old people are full to the brim with sweetness and light.

On a rare visit to London the other day, my hat blew over some railings. I stopped an elderly man and asked him if I could borrow his walking stick for a moment so that I could retrieve my headgear. He looked at me, looked at my hat, scowled, shook his head and walked on.

QI WENT to a bar the other evening and spent several hours talking to a man I met. He invited me back to his flat for coffee. While we were sitting on his sofa he put his arm around me and kissed me.

We kissed and fondled one another for half an hour or so, then I said I wanted to go home. He was very good about it even though he obviously wanted more. He called a taxi and kissed me goodnight very lovingly. He asked to see me again. I agreed and have now seen him a dozen times.

I have grown to trust him and we love one another. Now I feel I'm ready to go to bed with him. My sole concern is that when I cross that final bridge I will no longer be able to hide from the truth that I am gay. I am male, in my 30s, single and have never been good with women. Is it possible for someone as old as I am to start a life as a gay man?

AIT is not at all rare for men twice as old as you to have their first sexual experience with another man. Age is irrelevant.

From what you say it sounds as if you have been lucky enough to find a caring, gentle and sensitive lover. And why should you hide from the truth that you are gay? It is nothing to be ashamed of.

QA FEW weeks ago I had a massage - paid for by a friend. It was fantastic. But I can't afford to go for massages very often. And I don't have any friends to give me massages.

AMASSAGE yourself in the areas you can reach. Massaging yourself may not be quite as good as a session with a professional but it will help to relieve tension - and to relax you. Gently massage your head, neck, shoulders, arms and legs. You'll be surprised at how good it feels.

THANK you for all your letters but I'm afraid I receive so much mail that I cannot send ANY personal replies. Send your questions to be published to: Dr Vernon Coleman, PO Box 30, Barnstaple, Devon EX32 9YU.

QMY husband's brother is a bachelor and comes to stay quite often. At first, I didn't mind. But lately he seems to have acquired a knack of walking in on me when I'm half-naked. If I take a bath he wanders in, has a good look and then apologises. If I'm in the bedroom getting dressed or undressed he walks in and then stands there apologising and staring at me. It's getting me down.

AYOU have two choices. First you can complain to your husband. The snag is that it may cause a family rift. A subtle and practical alternative is to ask your husband to put locks on the bathroom and bedroom doors. When he asks why then you can explain but tell him that you don't want to make a big deal of it.

Alternatively, you can have a word with your brother-in-law yourself. Next time he wanders in when you are naked or half-naked tell him that he's making a habit of catching you like this and that you don't like it.

Embarrass him and make it clear that you consider him a Peeping Tom.

Your TV addict children need a break

IF you have children answer the following questions as honestly as you can:

1. Is the TV always on whenever your children are in the house?

2. Do your children make straight for the TV when they enter the house?

3. After sitting down to watch TV do your children watch straight through until it is time to go to bed?

4. Do your children often watch shows you'd describe as rubbish?

5. Do your children have TV sets in their bedrooms?

6. Do your children usually work or eat while watching TV?

7. Would your children be terribly upset if the TV broke down and couldn't be mended for 48 hours?

8. Do your children watch more than 20 hours a week?

9. If you are booking a holiday do your children ask about the availability of a TV set?

10. Do your children ever say "Sshhh!" if you speak while they are watching TV?

11. Do your children talk about TV characters as though they were real?

12. Do your children read less than you would like them to?

If you've answered YES to any of these questions then your children are probably TV addicts.

This may sound like a joke. It isn't.

If your child watches four hours of TV a day (the national average) he or she will have watched 26,000 hours by the age of 18.

That's nearly twice as much time as he or she will have spent at school. He or she will have seen 250,000 commercials and thousands of murders.

Too much television will destroy your child's physical and mental health.

Try to cut their viewing. You may need to do it slowly. It will be as painful as controlling any addiction.

Encourage children to take up hobbies and sports, to play games and read books.

ANIMAL RIGHTS PROTEST MEMO

JUST over a month ago I went to Witney, Oxfordshire, to speak at a rally protesting about Hillgrove Farm, where cats are bred for animal experiments.

I planned to talk about the Labour Party's broken promises on vivisection and other animal issues but Home Secretary Jack Straw banned the demonstration and police actually stopped me travelling to Witney!

Scores of MPs have written to Mr Straw to ask him what happened to free speech in Britain.

Next Sunday, September 6, I'm going back to Witney to try again.

I intend to tell people why the Labour Party reneged on its promise to have a Royal Commission on vivisection.

And why it reneged on its promise to ban hunting. What will Straw do this time?

Will he dare ban another Witney rally?

To find out be there: Leys Recreation Ground, Station Lane, Witney, Oxfordshire, 12 noon, Sunday, September 6. There will probably be a police helicopter display.

By the way, remember I sued Jack Straw personally for my travelling expenses to Witney - on the grounds that he waited a day before announcing the ban? Latest rumour is that the Government may ask a judge to stop me sueing him on the grounds that he is immune. What a wonderful lot Labour are.

STRANGE BUT TRUE

A MAN who shot a woman in America apologised to police. "I meant to kill my wife," he said, "but I forgot my glasses."

AN American head teacher suspended a pupil for sharing lemon drops with other children - citing anti-drug policies as the reason.

THERE are around 48,000 Elvis impersonators in the world.

A RESTAURANT in Moscow specialises in expensive gourmet dishes made entirely from endangered species - including bald eagles, spotted owls and Giant Panda.

A LESBIAN beauty contest in Italy was cancelled after a brawl among the contestants.

THINGS THEY SAY

THE best armour is to keep out of range.

- Anonymous

HELPLINES

FOR private and confidential advice - day or night - phone my advice lines:

Sex position to give a woman an exciting orgasm

0839 070 725

Tips if you can't get an erection

0839 333 136

Oral sex - practical advice for men

0839 664 453

Oral sex - how to do it

0839 664 452

Oral sex - advice for women

0839 664 462

Control blood pressure without drugs

0839 446 675

Relief from Irritable Bowel Syndrome

0839 664 459

Male erogenous zones (women only may call)

0839 070 721

How to get and keep a man

0839 070 736

Playing with yourself

0839 446 652

Panic attacks: how to conquer them

0839 070 734

Finding the best position for sex 0839 446 651

Handy hints for virgins

0839 664 425

Handy hints on penis measurement

0839 664 461

Can you make your penis larger?

0839 070 744

When a man has a huge penis

0839 664 417

How to delay ejaculation

0839 446 653

Forbidden sex (strictly adults only)

0839 446 645

Have kinky sex but

remain a virgin

0839 664 426

Calls cost 49p per minute,

UK only.
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Title Annotation:Features
Author:Coleman, Vernon
Publication:The People (London, England)
Date:Aug 30, 1998
Words:2055
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