Does HIS bum look big in this?
NEVER, ever, ask Demetri Marchessini if your bum looks big in this. Because if you're wearing a pair of trousers the answer will most certainly be a big, fat, grumpy yes.
Quite simply, whinges the millionaire Demetri, women should not wear trousers.
Now he's not saying women shouldn't wear THE trousers, just trousers full stop.
This 69-year-old father of four women (who are forbidden from wearing jeans in his presence) is so obsessed by women and their backsides that he's spent thousands on a new book called, Women In Trousers: A Rear View.
It contains dozens of unflattering pictures accompanied by literary quotations and Demtri's observations. Unsurprisingly none are complimentary.
He says, 'When women wear jeans it's possible to see everything. You are wearing clothes but still I know exactly what your bottom looks like. These ladies don't realise what they look like from behind. I thought it would be amusing to show them the truth and see if they like it.
'You would think overweight women would avoid trousers like the plague. These women would never be beauties but in skirts at least they wouldn't look obscene.'
He says there are just a few occasions when women can get away with pulling on the pantaloons.
'The only exceptions are when women wear trousers for playing golf, riding or clearing out the cellar.'
Admittedly some women do look awful in some trousers. Whoever invented the lycra leggings, for example, should be forced to run a marathon in heels. Has there ever been a more treacherous garment in the history of leg-wear? They're so comfortable that they lull you into a false sense of stylishness. Surely something so comfortable must look acceptable ... but the answer is no, no, and no again. Demetri, unsurprisingly, agrees. 'Women look divine advancing, but have you seen them in retreat?'
And the popularity of the hipster has led to some all-time nastiness on the High Street. Surely someone with a healthy appetite would think twice before subjecting their love handles and squishy belly to death by asphyxiation. But no. Hipsters continue to press the flesh across Wales and beyond.
But WM just has to take issue with Demetri's central argument which is that women are too curvy to wear trousers. Just listen to this ...
He says the problem with women wearing trousers is that trousers were designed for men's 'straight up and down' bodies, not a woman's curvy physique.
'Most women have curves,' he says, 'and curves don't look good in trousers.
'Countless women who would look lovely in dresses or skirts are embarrassingly unattractive in trousers.'
So trousers only suit straight up and down bodies then do they. Hmmm. So how many men do you know have perfectly straight, sleek bodies?
Demetri reckons he just snapped women who were 'ordinary, women-in-the-street' so WM decided to do the same. We snapped the first few men who happened to slouch past and we reckon we've uncovered enough evidence to confound Demetri's central argument.
If women don't look good in trousers, then how about these men? Love handles are love handles whoever they belong to and waistbands dislike them just as much on a man as on a woman.
And what about men who refuse to admit they're getting fatter and so continue to wear the same size trousers, underneath, their bulging stomachs which leaves their jeans pockets hanging by the backs of their knees.VPL too, is just as big a no-no for men as women. Check out the visible pants, not panty line, on one of our 'men in the street'.
But the crux of Demetri's argument is that men don't like women in trousers.
'Men don't like trousers on a woman, and that's the most important reason why a woman shouldn't wear them,' he says, controversially.
'The sole purpose of what anyone wears is to look good to the rest of the world.
'It's natural to aim to please, but women have a second reason for wearing the clothes they do - they must aim to attract men, because if they don't nothing will happen between men and women.'
He concludes: 'The truth is never sexist - the truth is the truth. This is reality - people just need to look at the photographs. '
Yes, Demetri, just look at the photographs. Curvy J-Lo looks gorgeous in trousers and our men in the street ...
Women In Trousers: A Rear View by Demetri Marchessini is published by Ionian Illustrated Editions, priced pounds 12.95.