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Do YOU wear the trousers in your house?; BRIAN READE'S FUN QUIZ TO DISCOVER WHO RULES THE ROOST .. OR WHO IS HEN-BECKED.

IT is the question men are asking each other in factories, offices, gyms and pubs across the land.

Was David Beckham right to ignore the demands of his employers and stay at home nursing a baby while his wife went shopping?

What would you have done in that situation?

Told her to pass the Calpol, pecked her on the cheek and reminded her that when she visits the lingerie stores she is shopping for two?

Or would you have told her to put down her credit card, pick up the baby and headed off to earn your pounds 25,000 a week?

In other words who wears the thong - I mean the trousers - in your life? The boss or the wife.

Here are 20 questions to discover whether your life is built around the fireplace or the workplace.

Some questions may remind you of David Beckham's dilemma, others may feel much closer to home.

1:A message stuck in your coat says "There is a few things we need to iron out" do you assume:

a) The boss wants to run through those invoices again.

b) I wish that life insurance salesman would sod off.

c) It must be the sheets she's talking about because I ironed all the pillowslips last night.

2: One of your workmates gets a big pay rise and your wife tells the Press that you deserve the same - even though your contract is not up yet. Do you:

a) Go public, saying you are very happy with what your boss pays you and your wife is out of order.

b) Tell her you are already earning more than you will ever be able to spend and she should concentrate on her own wages.

c) Thank her for bringing an issue of massive national interest into the public domain.

3.Your boss invites you to a bonding session in the pub after work. Do you:

a) Phone home and say you'll be late.

b) Go with the flow.

c) Say you can't go out tonight because your wife's washing her hair and she needs someone to hold the towel.

4.The hype surrounding your forthcoming marriage is reaching fever pitch. Do you:

a) Cancel all arrangements and tell her you'll have an intimate family affair away from the cameras.

b) Tell her to get on with it.

c) Help her pick the thrones, the crowns, organise the air exclusion zone over the castle and negotiate the magazine deal.

5. Your colleagues notice strange blemishes on your forehead. Are they caused by:

a) Too many punishing hours out at the office.

b) Too many nights in smoky pubs.

c) Your wife's thumb-prints.

6.Your boss asks if it possible, once you are married, to buy a home near work. Do you:

a) Agree immediately.

b) Strike a compromise with your wife.

c) Buy a mansion 200 miles away and argue that at least you are living close to the people who support your company.

7. Your boss announces everyone will have to work through their lunch-hour for the next month, even though you always meet your wife for lunch. Do you:

a) Put it down to the strong pound and work harder.

b) Call the boss a complete b*****d behind his back, but buckle under nonetheless.

c) Tell him you and your wife adhere to a strict feeding programme. And at 1am every day it is your turn to breast feed.

8. Your boss asks if you could try to be inconspicuous whena) Wear an old overcoat and glasses.

b) Just dress normally.

c) Wear a scarf on your head and go to places full of cameras

9. When the phone goes at work, do you pick it up and announce:

a) Your name and department in an efficient, friendly manner

b) "Hello" in a bark which says "go away, wrong number."

c) "Anything you want me to pick up on the way home, sweetpea?"

10.You are away with your colleagues working hard in preparation for the biggest job of your collective lives. All are isolated from their wives, but yours demands you meet up and the boss agrees. When you meet, do you:

a) Say "Let's get this over quick, love, I've got a World Cup to prepare for."

b) Think the sun's shining, the missus looks fit, ain't life sweet.

c) Agree to her suggestion to wear a sarong in a French Riviera restaurant with the paparazzi in attendance.

11. It's the boss's birthday. You only have a fiver left for the whip-round and have been ordered to bring the tea home from the chippy: Do you:

a) Make sure you are first to throw in the fiver and that everyone has seen you.

b) Throw in a quid muttering about money attracting money.

c) Feign diarrhoea, which keeps you away from your desk.

12.While you are working, morons chant a song about your wife's alleged favourite sex position. Do you:

a) Ignore them and get on with your job.

b) Smile and nod in agreement.

c) Slide towards them on your knees making sexual motions every time you score.

13. If you told someone that you had spent Saturday morning putting clubs into a trolley, would you have been:

a) Caddying for the boss on the golf course.

b) Having a surreal, alcohol-induced dream about poker.

c) Walking five paces behind your wife placing packs of chocolate biscuits in a supermarket trolley as she barks out orders.

14.You have pined to work for your company all of your life and are happy to spend the rest of your days there. What do you do when your wife goes on television and says she wants you to move to London or Milan?

a) Disown her and immediately sign a contract for life.

b) Shrug your shoulders and say, "Women, eh?"

c) Say "Wherever she lays my bandanna, that's my home."

15.You have arranged a holiday for your wife and her family but realise with days to go that you have double-booked the dates with your boss. Do you:

a) Point out that you are the lower rank and insist he goes.

b) Pull out a coin and say, "Best out of three?"

c) Write down the dimensions of your mother-in-law, do a Les Dawson impression, and shrug your shoulders.

16.Your boss says you should practice more crossing, would you:

a) Spend more time trying to place a football on a colleague's head.

b) Audition to be the next Green Cross Code Man.

c) Accompany your wife on nights out wearing a dress.

17.A job has come up in America, specifically requiring someone to go over there and bring a new approach to the job. The boss recommends you. Do you:

a) Say "Yes, sirree, try stopping me" and whip out your passport.

b) Say "Can you give me a couple of days to think about it."

c) Say "Can't, boss. I already go to Texas every weekend."

18.Your hair is a normal shade of brown. But your wife tells you to bleach it. Do you:

a) Refuse on the grounds you are already a figure of derision.

b) Let her use a dye that washes out the next day.

c) Stick your head in the sink and say "Easy on the bleach, love, I don't want it affecting my brain.

19. In this era of post-chauvinist pigs, define man's role in terms of bacon:

a) I am a hunter-gatherer. My job is to bring home the bacon.

b) I always make sure we never run out of brown sauce.

c) I used to cook bacon every Sunday until my wife decided meat was murder.

20.And the question which sparked the debate off. You have some preparation work to do just days before the most important event in your company's year. Your baby is sick and your wife tells you you must stay with her. Do you:

a) Phone the doctor and head to work.

b) Stay until the baby is better then go into work.

c) Hold the baby all day and let your wife go shopping?
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Article Details
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Title Annotation:Features
Author:Reade, Brian
Publication:The Mirror (London, England)
Date:Feb 23, 2000
Words:1361
Previous Article:BIRTHDAY GIRL, 7, FALLS UNDER DAD'S TRACTOR; Susan crushed as she helped out on holiday.
Next Article:Voice Of The Mirror: Madness to put our trust in Railtrack.


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