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Dear Rachael: Zero sex since we wed in April.

Q I GOT married in April, eight weeks ago now, and my wife and I still haven't made love. I'm worried that I don't have any sexual feelings for her any more and only love her like a sister.

We met at church when we were both 18 and got engaged six months later. I've had two previous girlfriends and had sex with one of them but my wife wanted to abstain until we got married.

Her parents are quite well-off - and organised a huge white wedding. The build-up to it was so stressful that when we went on honeymoon we were both exhausted.

At first my wife didn't seem bothered about sex either but recently she's been kissing and cuddling me more and I think she's trying to initiate sex - but I can't seem to get enthusiastic. What can I do?


A FIRST of all you have to decide if you really love her and want to make a go of your marriage - if so, you can work at the sex. You both decided to wait a long time, so you have got used to repressing your sexual feelings and need to learn how to let them go instead.

Talk to your wife and explain that taking the plunge seems strange. She must feel equally nervous. Then concentrate on building up to it gradually.

Give each other sensual massages, talk about all the things you have fantasised about doing to each other during the long wait. Spend time kissing and cuddling and exploring each other's bodies rather than diving straight in.

I'm sure if you love each other you can sort this out.


Q I STARTED masturbating when I was 16 and got into the habit of doing it every night as it helped me relax and get to sleep.

But I've just moved in with my boyfriend for the first time, and on nights when we don't have sex I find it really difficult to drop off. The other night I waited until he was asleep and then began masturbating. But he woke up and caught me and got really angry.

He said he's obviously not enough for me and wants to know why I've been pretending to enjoy sex. I love him very much but what can I do?


A WELL, have you tried telling him the truth? Explain that you have always masturbated as a way of getting to sleep and that it's nothing to do with your sex life or his prowess as a lover.

If he's still threatened, ask him to help you reach orgasm before you go to sleep. That doesn't have to mean full intercourse - he could stimulate you with his hand, mouth or even a sex toy. Either way, you're showing him that he isn't excluded.


Q MY girlfriend and I went to stay at a hotel for her birthday and used the hot tub there. We were fooling around and I got really turned on.

I didn't have full sex with her but am worried that she could get pregnant from my semen getting in the water (she's not on the Pill and we normally use condoms).


A DON'T worry. It is not possible for her to become pregnant if your sperm have been swimming around the Jacuzzi first.

Your penis would have to have made direct contact with her vagina - and I presume you didn't go that far in a swanky hotel spa?


Q MY daughter is married to a Greek man and they run a restaurant together in our home town. A year after the wedding they had a lovely daughter, Nina, who is now six, and a year ago they had their son, Nicky.

But since he arrived my son-in-law has doted on him - in my opinion at the expense of Nina.

She is very jealous of her brother - and is becoming very naughty and playing her parents up.

This has made things even worse.

I have told my daughter this is all because her dad is neglecting Nina, but she won't listen to me. What can I do?


A TO be blunt, Marion, back-off. I can understand that you are concerned about your grand-daughter, but the worst thing you can do is interfere with the way your daughter and son-in-law are raising their children.

Many youngsters get jealous when a new sibling arrives or go through phases of attention seeking. You don't live with them 24 hours a day, so you can't see the full picture. But perhaps you could spend some time alone with Nina and treat her to special "Granny outings" if she's a good girl at home.


Q CAN you tell me how many times a week the average couple has sex? My husband wants it every day but I don't know if that's more than normal - as I'm only really in the mood once or twice a week.

I don't want him to get frustrated, so I usually agree. But sometimes I'm really tired and don't enjoy it.


A IF you want to go purely by statistics, the worldwide average is 139 times a year - or 2.6 times a week. But everyone's sex drive is different and it is impossible to say what is "normal" and what's not.

Don't compare yourself with other people - the important thing is finding the right balance for you and your partner. But it doesn't sound as if you have the balance right at the moment. You shouldn't feel forced into sex just to keep your partner happy.

Try to concentrate on what sort of things get you in the mood so you can boost your libido to the same level as your hubby's.


Q MY mum died suddenly four months ago after suffering a brain haemorrhage. She was only 59. It was a terrible shock for me, my two brothers and the whole family, and we are still struggling to come to terms with things.

But one extra problem at the moment is that Mum helped look after my three-year-old daughter Zoe while I worked (I'm a single mum) and I feel lost without her.

Zoe keeps asking for her grandma, crying all the time and playing me up. I know I have to find a child minder for her - but I just can't bear to think of her with anyone else except Mum.


A I'M so sorry for you, Lisa, it must be a terrible time. You are obviously still grieving for your mother and your daughter must have picked up on all the strained emotions around her.

But as well as losing your mum you've lost your biggest ally. Some 69 per cent of women rely on their mums for child care and emotional support and this has left another huge hole in your life. But I'm sure you will be able to find someone else to trust with Zoe.

If possible, try and take some time off work to spend with her until she settles down. In the meantime, try talking to a bereavement counsellor at Cruse, on 0870 607 0547.Kis for KISSING

IT'S the key to great sex, yet 37 per cent of British men think they're rubbish at snogging and try to avoid it. Our lips are so packed with nerve endings that even a brush across them stimulates a larger area in the brain than a touch to the genitals. It's a great work-out too. As you kiss you use 34 facial muscles, your heartbeat soars and you burn 6.4 calories a minute.

FACT FICTION Having sex during a period is unhygienic.

FICTION: Menstrual material is sterile and sex during menstruation is fine if both partners so desire. In fact, many couples find sex more enjoyable during this time - and orgasms are a great cure for period pains.


IF you're having a "fat day", don't keep your T-shirt on and hope he won't notice - try the flattering rear entry position. Kneel away from him, rest on your forearms and raise your bottom in the air. It gives him a great view, and makes your waist look tiny.


IF your partner lacks rhythm when pleasuring you orally, use your breathing to guide her. If you start to pant, she will go more quickly, if you take long, deep breaths, she will slow down too.


Im 18 n a few girls hv commented on how small my penis is - its 6 inches when aroused. Is there a safe way 2 make it bigger?

- Rory

That's not small, it's average 4 an erect penis. Dunno who these girls r, but they r in 4 sum real letdowns! You cant make ur penis bigger but size does not make u a gd lover - caring abt pleasing ur partner does.

Text RACH then a space then your problem (max 160 chars) to 84080. Texts cost 25p.

I fear she's cheating on me after an obvious lie

Q I'M sure my girlfriend Lou is cheating on me but I can't bring myself to confront her about it. We've been going out for seven months and at first it was wonderful. We'd see each other twice a week and every weekend - and the sex was great.

But in the last few weeks she's been cancelling dates at the last minute, saying she feels ill or is too busy at work. The other day she rang to say she had to stay late in the office, so I waited in my car across the road.

She left on time with a girl and two guys, laughing and chatting. I wanted to follow them but felt sick and angry that she had lied to me.

When we met up at the weekend she was very quiet. I wanted to say something but couldn't. I'd be gutted if we split.


A YOU may be reading things the wrong way, Jake - or your instincts could be right. It's best to find out before this uncertainty really eats you up.

Pick a moment when you're unlikely to be disturbed and tell her you sense a change in her. She may not be cheating on you but her feelings could be different.

If she wants to end things you'll have to come to terms with that. It will hurt for a while but you will move on too.Is wee plea so strange?

Q MY boyfriend thinks I'm really weird because I make him wipe his penis dry after he has had a pee.

I just can't stand the thought of him drip-drying - it makes me shudder and is putting me off oral sex. Am I being unreasonable?


A ERM, yes. Look, Mandy, men are very well designed and if they give themselves a good shake after having a wee they won't be "drip drying"!

Also, urine is sterile, so unless he has an infection you won't get anything nasty. If your fella is prepared to wipe his willy after widdling just to keep you happy, he must care for you a great deal



ANY sex games involving power play or domination carry risks - and Tom obviously got swept along by the whole fantasy.

If you are going to indulge in bondage, spanking or S&M it is crucial that you agree a "safe word" in advance. That's a neutral code word, like tree or sun, which means STOP IMMEDIATELY.

That's because in the heat of the moment, shouting "no, no, no" can be misinterpreted as part of the game.

Talk to Tom and explain how his behaviour upset you - and, remember, you don't have to do anything that you don't enjoy.
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:The People (London, England)
Date:Jun 12, 2005
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