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Daily Martian: DON'T PANIC; NEXT week, the planet Mars will be closer to the Earth than at any time since the Ice Age. Yesterday, ROS WYNNE-JONES intercepted the following article from the Daily Martian... Earth closest for 60,000 years.. but primitive inhabitants won't visit us.

Byline: ROS WYNNE-JONES

ON AUGUST 27, for the first time in 60,000 years, the planet Earth will be clearly visible in our night sky. Our own planet will be within 34,646,418 miles of the earthlings' home that they call The World.

There is no need to panic. Earthlings rarely travel in space and have only once been to their own moon (even this is disputed - some humans believe the trip was falsified).

Earth - the Blue Planet - has not changed greatly in the past 20 millennia. Earthlings still walk on legs and rely on oxygen to breathe. They still wear animal skins and have invented few new things as important as fire and the wheel. They live in only three dimensions and still believe the galaxy was created by a Big Bang.

Sixty thousand years ago, the planet was populated by a sub-species of Homo sapiens characterised by primitive behaviour and a limited linguistic capability.

Today the Blue Planet is still ruled by a Neanderthal, whose name is President Gorg Boosh. He is the direct genetic descendant of another President with the same name and appears to have suffered evolutionary impairment.

He has a poor command of the global language - American - and lives in the city of Washington. He often wears a "cowboy" hat, favoured by the cow-herders of the American plains. His family have grown wealthy exploiting Earth's key natural resource, "oil".

Even 200,000 years after the Neanderthals waged war against the "Cro-Magnons" for supremacy, earthlings have still not developed peaceful means of settling disputes. Indeed, a Great War has just been fought between President Boosh's Coalition Forces and Iraq, a country poor despite its great supplies of "oil".

Boosh's fighters were supported by Britain, an Island Kingdom once the centre of a great empire but now dwindling towards irrelevance. It is governed by a crude robot known as Blare, who is controlled directly by Washington.

Politically, Earth is divided in two parts - the West and the Rest. The West is materially rich at the expense of the Rest, who are ritually exploited.

Earthlings still persist in believing in gods (mystical beings who control Earth from the heavens) and cannot even agree which god to believe in. This is also the cause of many wars. Some of those gods are Jehovah, Allah, Buddha and Beckham.

Artistically, the earthlings have progressed little since the "cave paintings" of their Ice Age predecessors. Indeed, in the Island Kingdom, cave painting has become an obsession. (See attached broadcast: Changing Rooms).

For high art, this same once-great nation now reveres its own mess. One artist is now famous for her unmade sleeping quarters, while another put a woolly mammal called a "sheep" into a tank of biological preservative fluid. Art is, however, one of the few things earthlings do not kill each other over. Unless their name is Salman Rushdie.

Scientifically, earthlings have made few advances. They still live only several decades and do not have cures for certain illnesses. Meanwhile, little awareness appears to exist of the decay and destruction of the planet. This may be because the Earthling mind is too fragile to comprehend the consequences of its actions.

For our recent set of experiments, Life On Earth?, we briefly abducted male and female specimens of the modern-day earthling and compared him with his Neanderthal ancestor of 200,000 years ago.

For the male specimen, our random search threw up a sportsman named Ruud van Nistelrooy, who works for a ball-game team called Manchester United. As you will see from the attached photo, he bears strong facial and cranial similarities to the original Neanderthal man - with prominent brow ridge and low, sloping forehead.

For the female specimen, our computers randomly selected a woman named Katie Price. Her profession is to appear in photos, usually revealing her chest. These organs - the weight of small planets - are found sexually titillating by human males.

EARTH woman dresses as Neanderthal woman would have, in furs and leathers. Her IQ, however, is much lower. Toxicology reports reveal she lives on C2H5OH - a colourless liquid obtained by fermentation of sugars that earthlings call "alcohol".

Curiously, she shares a working name with Jordan, an Arab state where women are covered from head to toe. With such non-intellectual "professions" (posing for pictures and kicking balls) on Earth, it is little wonder there have been so few advances.

Perhaps most worryingly, earthlings show little curiosity about other planets. They are aware of our home - which they call the Red Planet - but have done little more than name confectionery after it.

Our advice is this: Space travel is growing cheaper but, despite the deals on offer from No Frills space agencies such as Milky AirWays, Earth is still to be avoided.

However, there is little to fear from earthlings. Their war-like space programme, Star Wars, is not aimed at galactic supremacy but, ultimately, at destroying themselves.

CAPTION(S):

STUDIED: Ruud van Nistelrooy and Jordan; WORLD APART: The people of Earth are a troubled species; PAGE 6 DAILY MIRROR, Thursday, August 21, 2003
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:The Mirror (London, England)
Date:Aug 21, 2003
Words:843
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