DOCTOR VERNON'S CASEBOOK.
Should hubby provide for me and my lesbian lover?
QMY husband weighs 15 stone. I weigh seven stone. Whenever we need antibiotics the doctor always gives us the same dose of medicine. To me this doesn't make much sense. Surely a big person needs more drug than a small one.
AI HAVE for years argued that drug dosages should be adjusted to allow for the size of the patient. Giving the same dose of drugs to different sized people is plain daft. Neither drug companies nor doctors have ever really bothered doing any tests to see how much damage this policy causes - but I suspect it is considerable.
QI AM having a lesbian affair with a woman I met at my exercise class. My lover wants me to leave my husband but I'm not sure what to do.
Neither of us have jobs and our future would depend on my husband providing me with alimony. Do you think a court would award me enough for us both to live on?
AWHAT makes you think you are entitled to anything from your husband? Do you understand the meaning of the words "pride" and "integrity" as well as you undoubtedly understand the meaning of the word "greedy".
If you want to start a new life with your lesbian friend, be honest about it and leave your husband to lick his wounds in peace. Whatever you might think (and whatever a court might say) your husband doesn't owe you a penny.
QCONGRATULATIONS on being the first to warn of the dangers of mobile telephones. I understand that there is now evidence showing that your fears were justi
fied. When did you start warning about this potential problem?
AI'VE been warning that mobile telephones could be hazardous for around a decade. I have now lost count of the number of warnings and predictions I've made which originally attracted laughter or derision but which turned out to be absolutely accurate.
QWE'RE told that SARS is a variation on the common cold virus. Why has it suddenly become so deadly?
AGENETIC engineers have been "playing around" with the common cold virus for years. Could SARS have escaped from a genetic engineering laboratory? Or could it have been deliberately released? I don't know. But why isn't anyone else asking these questions? Could it be that the answers might be too embarrassing and might destroy the hugely-profitable genetic engineering industry?
Jealous of my sexy daughter
QABOUT four times a year, my daughter and her long-term boyfriend both come down to stay with me and her father for a couple of days. I know that my daughter and her boyfriend have sex when they stay with us because you'd have to be completely deaf not to know; their love-making seems to go on for hours.
I have to admit that I'm jealous of my
daughter's sex life. I only wish that my husband would do to me what my daughter's boyfriend does to her.
AAH, I fear those flowers were picked long ago. Still, there's no need for you not to benefit a little from these sweet sounds of love. Put away the winceyette nightie and fish out that flimsy thing that allows the draft to swirl around your legs.
Squirt your Christmas perfume in appropriate places and go to bed without your curlers. The Welsh Princess points out that it might be a good idea to give your husband a few hours notice of your intentions so as to avoid giving him a heart attack when you totter out of the bathroom. For more advice telephone my advice line How To Put The Sex Back Into Your Life on 0901 560 7852 (charges as opposite).
QIS it true that oestrogen-based drugs may help ward off senility?
ATHERE is some evidence suggesting that oestrogens may enhance performance in memory tests - and therefore help keep us young. The chances are that before long doctors will be recommending oestrogens to elderly men as well as elderly women. The snag for women is that oestrogen may increase the risk of breast cancer. The snag for men is much milder: oestrogen may result in breast development.
Still countless thousands of ageing male transvestites would have something to smile about. And if everyone over 50 needs a bra the profitability of the lingerie industry will double.
QI MET a girl on a train last week and fell in love with her. She gave me her phone
number which I have now lost. How can I find her again? I didn't give her my phone number because I am married.
AIT seems that fate has intervened and done the decent thing on your behalf. Forget your railway romance, thank fate for this piece of good fortune, and concentrate on remembering why you asked the lady to whom you are married to be your wife.
QRESPECT seems to be a thing of the past. Every single day I feel depressed by the fact that the people I meet and talk to seem to have forgotten the meaning of the word "respect".
ATHE primary problem with our society is that we have too many laws and far too little respect. The blame for this must fall fair and square on the shoulders of our politicians.
They constantly belabour us with new laws while at the same time they make it clear that they have no respect whatsoever for us. Their contempt filters down. And yet without respect for one another our civilisation is no civilisation at all. The only answer is to try, wherever possible, to mix with people who do understand the meaning, and importance, of respect.
Golf club dragon putts him in fear
QMY girlfriend's mother is very scary. She is on the local golf club committee and just thinking about her turns my knees to jelly.
AWOMEN who sit on golf club committees have to be genetically modified. Their sense of humour is surgically removed and replaced with an enhanced sense of self importance. Every time you see your girlfriend's mother tell her how impressed you are by the crucial work she is doing. She'll probably be stupid enough to believe you.
Naked truth about mum
QI HAVE just discovered that my mother used to pose naked for men's magazines. I'm now 28 and have a post with a prestigious firm. My mother posed before I was born but I am ashamed of what she did.
Would it be possible for me to disown her in some way so that my career could not be adversely affected by her past indiscretion?
AAT times like this I wish I made up the letters on this page and that people like you did not exist.
What a loathsome, narrow-minded, self-centred, sanctimonious prig you are.
QWHENEVER I meet my sister she reminds me how much richer she is than I am. She always makes me feel inadequate.
AMONEY is a terrible way to keep score. Much better to keep score by counting the ways in which you improved the lot of people and animals on this planet.
QMY 21-year-old son brings home a different girl every weekend. Some of the girls he meets at nightclubs are really beautiful.
I would really love to have sex with one of these luscious girls. Do you think I should ask my son? I've been separated from his mother for seven years now.
AI HATE to be the one to have to point this out, but do you think any of these girls would want to have sex with you?
Or had that not occurred to you? I suggest you go out looking for your own dates, rather than trying to share your son's good fortune.
PICTURE CASEBOOK: TOMMY'S TOO QUICK IN BED
TOMMY WRITES: "I've a problem with women. Sex is always over too soon.
"I bed a girl I fancy, but then it's usually over in a couple of minutes. She gets disappointed - sometimes cross - and that's the last time I see her."
Premature ejaculation is a common problem. But Tommy shouldn't allow it to ruin his love life.
He should concentrate on pleasing his partner first. And he can always point out that seconds can be much more satisfying.
For more advice about ways to deal with premature ejaculation, see my special phone line below.