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I've been naughty this year -- more naughty than nice -- and I am buying my own presents, to avoid being utterly crushed by the lack of the fat man showing up anywhere near my chimney, mantel or stocking.

While scouring New York, L.A. and Seattle stores in the past few weeks, I have justified my own shopping binge by calling it "research." My own typically silly elfin magic, which now I present to you in the form of a remixed "Twelve Days of Christmas" gone utterly mad -- as if 10 pipers had been piping into both of my ears, for years ... maybe that's it?

As a refresher, here is a list of the original gifts, and I trust you'll have your own private eggnog flashback and recall the tune, and sing along, even if only quietly to yourself.

They were very big on edibles in those days, and you'll see a lot has changed.

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a partridge in a pear tree. On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, two turtledoves and a partridge in a pear tree ...

...third...three french hens

...fourth...four calling birds

...fifth...five golden rings

...sixth...six geese a-laying swans a-swimming

...eighth...eight maids a-milking

...ninth...nine ladies dancing

...10th...10 lords a-leaping

...11th...11 pipers piping

...12th...12 drummers drumming

This annoyingly repetitive holiday ditty may actually prevent Alzheimer's, if memorized and used consistently, but I suggest you try my version instead, which can double as your shopping list.

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me one upgrade, so I could fly free. On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me two purple gloves and an upgrade so I could fly for free

...third...three French men

...fourth...four calling cards

...fifth...five rappers singing

...sixth...six fleeces for playing suits for swimming

...eighth...eight paids for parking

...ninth...nine stem cells stemming

...10th...10 retailers selling

...11th...11 teeth a bleaching

...12th...12 laptops a-leaping

Now, let's sing a round! (Sorry, just kidding, folks.)

And so, with this serious bit of sarcasm, I sincerely wish you and yours a happy and peaceful holiday season. I am grateful to you, especially those of you who have been carrying the torch. Thank you for your words of kindness, insight and inspiration. You have taught me a great deal.

See you next year.

J'Amy Owens is the principal of the J'Amy Owens Group. She can be reached at (206) 923-1711 or by e-mail at
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Title Annotation:Christmas shopping.
Author:Owens, J'Amy
Publication:HFN The Weekly Newspaper for the Home Furnishing Network
Article Type:Column
Date:Dec 22, 2003

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