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Culture: Andrew Cowen's BIG World of Rock- She's only scary cos she's Carey.

Byline: Andrew Cowen

In one of this week's more surprising announcements, stacked songbird Mariah Carey has been caught complaining that she can't find a man. In tones similar to an alcoholic berating the absence of any off licences, Ms Carey gives us a fascinating insight into her boudoir.

The 33-year-old cantilevered siren tells Germany's Bild magazine that fame is preventing her from meeting Mr Right. 'I think that must be it,' she moans.

'My stylist, for example, is always meeting people and goes on loads of dates. I'm always asking myself why I never meet anyone. But that's how it is. Most men believe that I'm not interested in them.'

She also candidly lets slip that she has only known the comfort of three gentlemen in her eventful but bland life -and one of those was Mexican so doesn't count. In a more than we need to know scenario, scary Ms Carey says she hasn't had her oggins since the summer of 2001.

Shame on you Mariah. She's obviously doing something wrong.

The late and very wanton Janis Joplin beat Carey's pathetic tally in one afternoon during the summer of love. While it's difficult to imagine Mariah tripping up men and beating them to the ground, her stylist really ought to have a word in her ear.

It's not fame that's standing in the way of Mariah and some good loving, but her toxic personality. The classic bunny boiler traits have probably got her marked down as a lady to avoid.

Last year she 'dated' Eminem for a bit. Since his name doesn't appear on her Post It note of conquests we can only assume it was a bit of a disaster. The fact that Em's threatening to sample cooey messages Mariah left on his voice mail indicates they parted with little respect for each other.

In an interview with the Sun, she says: 'It feels like he is engaging in a catfight with me. It's like dealing with a girlfriend in seventh grade. It's like fighting with a little girl. It's childish.'

In a familiar refrain she adds: 'I never meet people. I want somebody cute, like a sportsman,' before letting slip that she hopes to find an English boyfriend when she plays the NEC on October 28.

Well, there's a challenge. Mariah's well-publicised breakdown in 2002 and subsequent fall from pop's top table are obviously having lingering effects. She's getting herself into a bit of a state. Poor love. The desire for a bit of Brummie romance is generally seen as a sign of severe mental degradation and the singer should be made to sit down with Carl Chinn or Malcolm Boyden for a stiff talking to. While an image of a bosomy Carey falling out of Tiger Tiger on a Friday night is not too hard to summon, the prospect of her settling down in Castle Vale with a darts player is pushing credibility a bit. With a figure that resembles Selfridges without the silver saucers, she may initially feel at home, but I suspect the thrill of baltis and the Villa would soon pall after the glitz of LA.

Carey, who seems unable to stand without placing her hands on her hips and thrusting her chest forward, should invest in a rucksack, fill it with sand, and take a long hard look at her life.

This latest trend for American celebs to moan about being unable to find a boyfriend or girlfriend must stop. It sends out a bad message to all the freaks and social incontinents who genuinely are unable to attract a passing glance from another human.

George Clooney yesterday came out with similar tosh, this time blaming his gorgeous good looks and smouldering charisma for his recent bad fortune in dating.

Both of these A-listers should wise up and fast. The last person to make a similar whinge was blonde yoga freak and Great Expectations star Gwyneth Paltrow who roundly slagged off British men for being backwards in coming forward. A couple of weeks later she was spotted on the arm of rock's Mr Nice, Chris Martin, the wimpy frontman of Coldplay.

There's a saying that says 'beware of what you wish for, it might come true'. So while Chris Martin probably thinks he's died and gone to heaven, Mariah Carey may not be so lucky. Especially if she insists on dating a West Midlander.

If I were her, I'd leave these ambitions in the car park and look at the trusted methods of locating a mate. She may consider enrolling in a night class where she could meet likeminded individuals. The plethora of singles clubs offer another way to broaden your horizons and they offer trips to stately homes and wine tasting sessions.

If all that fails, there's always the internet where her anonymity is guaranteed and she could indulge any latent stalker tendencies.

Whatever she decides, she really ought to cut the self-pity. There's nothing less attractive to a bloke than a good-looking girl who's riddled with insecurity. Given the choice, we'll go for the bubbly personality every time.

CAPTION(S):

Loveless Mariah Carey shows the pose that she hopes will attract men. Sadly the butcher's window approach to attraction has so far failed
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:The Birmingham Post (England)
Date:Sep 4, 2003
Words:873
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