Cooking with tease; Nigella's Christmas Kitchen BBC2, Mon-Wed.
HAVING spent the last three nights in Nigella's kitchen, I've noticed two quite,ahem, remarkable things.
The first is that she's able to produce sumptuous seasonal scran without landing so much as aspeck of icing sugar on her low-cut top.
Theother is that BBC2 have started transmitting pre-watershed porn.
All that pouting and posing over pavlova, oohing and ahhing over amaretti, groaning and moaning over mincemeat.
Some men phone premium rate phone lines for this sort of patter. My granny, if she were still around, would have called her a hussy, hurled a baffy at the telly, before rolling up her sleeves and fixing a festive family feed for 5000 that didn't suffer for the lack of "bulging baby Christmas pudini", whatever the hell that is.
Nigella's pudinis were just one in a long list of our breathless hostess's double entendres.
"My empty vessels are ready to be loaded."
"I need it!"
"These babies have everything going for them."
"They really are bulging, these glittering pleasures."
"Pleasure isn't something you should ever feel guilty about."
"I'd go for full body immersion if I could."
Honestly. Finbar Saunders, the smut-master from the Viz comics, would have blushed at mistress Lawson's poutingly delivered lines about passion fruits, Christmas nuts and white chocolate sauce-covered pudding.
This last offering was so loaded with sexual imagery I'd be cold-showered - then sacked - for writing it.
Curvy Nigella knows the importance of utilising her jugs while cooking in front of the TV cameras. Yet despite being worth pounds 15million, she still hasn't been to Poundland to pick up a pinnie, no doubt for fear that it hides the series' most popular ingredients.
Interestingly, though, for a woman who evokes such vivid naked imagery, we never saw a single shot of her rump all week.
The series played out like one of those pre-orgasmic M&S adverts where Dervla Kirwan makes a chocolate pud sound like a car-key party at Hugh Hefner's.
Intriguingly, Monday night's episode also included a bizarre close-up of a long, home-rolled cigarette type thing being lit from the candles on Nigella's tree. Old Holborn, no doubt. Of course, the whole thing is an in-joke from the BBC, who know exactly what they're doing.
"This time of year demands a little bit of excess," became their busty hostess's mantra.
Indeed, Nigella. And maybe a wee 10-minute nap afterwards.
'Its seems BBC2 have started showing pre-watershed porn'