Col's all set to Rool the world.
IF someone had told you two years ago that Britney would shave her head in public, you'd never have believed them. But weird things happen. C'est, literally, la vie - and especially when it's a celebrity vie.
I totally know what I want to be the next shocking celeb moment. Yes, it seems a teeny bit unlikely, but so did Eddie Murphy getting Scary Spice up the duff once upon a time Imagine if Coleen McLoughlin isn't the sweet, naive girl-next-door we think she is. Imagine if, instead, she's a secret, moral crusader. Plus ruthless and manipulative to boot. What if, five years ago, she hatched a super-ambitious plan? A plan she's pulled off with total, like, aplomb.
Picture the scene: it's 2003. Dwight Yorke's all over the papers for being a love rat.
Schoolgirl Coleen, like most women in the country (apart from those with Chinawhite membership) has had enough of reading about footballers' antics in magazines.
She hates the way they treat women like worthless lumps of meat, lie, cheat and always get off scott-free. Yes, it's usually only women like Alicia Douvall, but even she probably has feelings, unless she's had them removed to fit extra silicone in.
So 16-year-old Coleen decides to teach them all a lesson. She chats up an aspiring young footballer who is tipped for the top. Uses her connections with him to get her own TV show, book deal, perfume, exercise DVD and magazine column, not to mention a wardrobe of designer clothes. OK, she has to put up with a few embarrassing newspaper exposes and gets criticised for sticking with her OAP prozzyfan fiance, but Coleen's playing the long game.
Because then comes the million-pound, magazineendorsed fairytale wedding, and after the ceremony she reveals her evil, genius plan. She's wreaked revenge on behalf of glamour models everywhere.
All the footballers learn a valuable lesson about underestimating women (once they've had what happened explained to them slowly a few times).
Coleen becomes a modern day, Prada-clad Emmeline Pankhurst. WAG Power!
HOT PLOT: Col