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Coaches' corner.

BILLY CRYSTAL, the comedian, on the best reason for holding the 2004 Olympics in New York City: "All the foreigners are already here."

PHIL MICKELSON, on how much he learned from Tiger Woods in 2002: "Nobody ever taught me more on how to become a good loser."

JACK KEMP, the former Bills QB who went on to become an outstanding political figure: "I knew that politics were for me the day I tossed my hat into the ring and it was intercepted."

DOUG COLLINS, on why he never apologized for being unable to guard Larry Bird: "The man wasn't a bird, he was a vampire."

FRANK HOWARD, the Clemson authority on Bear Bryant: "The Bear was playing three platoons before anyone was playing two: One was for offense. One was for defense. And the third was for drying his feet after he walked on water."

GENO AURIEMMA, who has made an art form out of recruiting women basketball players: "I heard about a super high school center who was 6-8, could dunk with either hand, and had a better hook shot than Abdul-Jabbar. I called her up and her mother told me that she had given up basketball and was going to Michigan State to play ice hockey."

PETER VESCEY, after watching a girls basketball team playing a sagging zone defense in a high school gym: "This is about as much fun as watching Mona Lisa trying to open an umbrella."

HUBIE BROWN, after watching 7-6 Yao Ming drop an easy pass 'under the basket: "Poor Yao, he must feel about 6-feet-1 right now."

JOHNNY CARSON, after a glimpse of a professional women's-lifting championship on TV: "The only signs of their biblical derivation are their fatted calves."

ABE LEMONS, upon checking a pre-season poll that had his Oklahoma City team tabbed as the fourth best NAIA team in the nation: "My God! What nation are they talking about? Uganda?"

Why LEMONS was considered the king of the hill in one-liners: "I don't mind beards or miniskirts, but not on the same person."

* To one of his stars who scored only one point in a losing effort: "Congratulations, Joe. You scored one more point than a dead man."

* On why he gives his prospects 707 jets rather than cars: "When the NCAA hears about it, they will just laugh and say, 'Nobody gives kids jets!'"

* On why he no longer has curfews: "The one time I had a curfew, I caught my star, an Indian boy named Gary Gray, coming in at 7 in the morning. He explained that he had been looking for the guy who had run off with his buffalo."

CHI CHI RODRIGUEZ, on why he had to fire his caddie, a former pitching coach: "Every time I putted, his only advice was to keep the ball low."

DR. DANIEL HANLEY, former U.S. Olympic team doctor: "Anyone who tells you that practice makes perfect never had a 10-year-old son who practiced the trumpet."

JOE NAMATH: "The only time in my life that I questioned the mercy of God was when I looked at my knees after I retired."

JIM BOUTON, on why everybody looked up to Billy Martin: "So would you if someone kept knocking you down."

DAVE ANDERSON, the New York Times sports columnist: "There is no off-season in Montreal. It's only when the Expos start playing baseball that the fans lose interest."

GARY NICKLAUS, upon being asked if it is difficult being Jack's son: "Ask me that question after I've tried being someone else's son."
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Publication:Coach and Athletic Director
Geographic Code:1USA
Date:Mar 1, 2003
Words:590
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