* Instead of describing him as a "prodigy", a pupil at Mr Shanley's school said that Mozart was a "child orgy".
* "Transparent means something you can see through, for example, a keyhole."
* Teacher: "What's the name of that famous woman with a lamp?" Pupil: "Aladdin?"
* Little girl: "Miss, could you please cut me some fabric?" Teacher: "What width?" Little girl: "Scissors, Miss."
* Parent's letter to school: "Anne was absent yesterday because she was tired ( she had spent the weekend with the Marines."
* Headteacher in assembly: "Because Sunday is Easter Day, Sophie Briggs from Form 8D will come on stage and lay an egg on the table."