Caught short by jet lag and Jack Daniel's; IT'S MASEL! ONE MAN GRAPPLING WITH DAILY LIFE.
I WAS back over the Pond at the weekend but just for a quick visit.
Two bouts - one in Cleveland, Ohio, and the other in New Jersey.
I realise I'm taking a risk with these matches - turning up when I could be severely jet-lagged could impact my performance which, in turn, could leave me on the receiving end of a doing in the ring.
However, I was wrestling an opponent I know well, Colt Cabana, on the Friday and on the Saturday I was up against Hornswoggle, who calls himself "The World's Sexiest Midget".
It felt like a weekend off so I headed for the airport with a spring in my step.
I got there a wee bit earlier so I could go to the frequent flier lounge.
I've racked up the miles over the last year or two so I get access to this wee posh lounge where you get free scoff and bevvy.
It's probably my greatest accomplishment being able to sit in there. It's usually full of businesstype of folk sitting in their suits eating bowls of porridge and sipping fresh orange juice waiting on their morning flight to London, and then I traipse in wearing my trackies getting tore into the Jack Daniel's.
I feel like that big ned who won the lottery, Mickey Carroll.
When I landed, the promoter in Cleveland picked me up and took me to my hotel.
I have been to the city a few times now and the last time, the hotel was an absolute dive.
There were homeless folk lying in the corridors at night and when I asked the woman at reception if she had anything for a sore head, she offered me two Valium.
I later found out it had been shut down shortly after I stayed there - after being raided for human trafficking.
Thankfully, my hotel this time seemed a lot safer.
At the show in Cleveland, one of the most famous females on the planet, UFC fighter and Hollywood movie star Ronda Rousey, turned up.
Take I couldn't believe it. UFC was in town the following night and she had come to check the wrestling oot.
SO I was choking for a selfie with her but knew it could be a bit dodgy. These folk can either be brand new or very crabbit.
in Either way, I wanted some interaction, even if it meant her giving me a kicking for being cheeky. That would have hit the news sites. Any publicity and all that.
Thankfully, she was in a great mood and was up for pictures and chatting.
In fact, Ronda ended up coming to the boozer with half the roster after the show.
I managed to get a good blether with her but after a few Jack Daniel's, I found myself talkin' bull, which gave me the fear the next day.
When I told her I was from Scotland, she started raving about how her favourite movie was Trainspotting.
For some reason, I started telling her that I was very good friends with Ewan McGregor and that I was on the phone to him just the other week.
I told her we had been discussing the possibility of me being in Trainspotting 2 but it just wasn't possible due to clashes with me doing panto at the Pavilion. But it was fine, I'd definitely be in Trainspotting 3. Riddy!
My fear didn't exactly get any better when I landed for my show in New Jersey.
I was there the day before the 9/11 anniversary and when I asked the guy who was driving me to the show about it, he started to tell me about how half his bowling team he played with on Tuesday nights were killed in the atrocities.
I one This was my first time wrestling in the New York tri-state area and I was nervous about the crowd reaction - but it was spot on. Apparently, a small group of fans had been petitioning to the promoter since January about flying me over.
That blew my mind. I had a great weekend - a lot of ups and downs- but I'd definitely like to forget about getting pinned and beat in the ring by a 4ft 5in leprechaun named Hornswoggle.
Must have been the jet lag!
TOMORROW DON'T MISS DES CLARKE'S COLUMN
BLETHER Getting on great with Ronda Rousey
SURPRISE Hornswoggle hits me below the belt on way to victory