Car crash Splash!
Byline: Jon Wise
ITV'S Splash! where Tom Daley admitted that: "It hurts every time and it hurts more if you don't get it right. Instant bruising, split skin, tearing muscles."
Which may explain why it feels like I am bleeding from my eyes and ears when this show comes on.
Because there is no doubt about it they aren't getting anything right with this programme at all.
From the venue, to the music, to the judges, to the celebrities, to the dancing but most of all to the concept.
Yes, we all enjoyed watching Tom Daley in the Olympics and the sense of pride and enthusiasm was unsurpassed but, just because we watched a few hours of diving, it doesn't mean we are aficionados that need it every week.
Bikini And we certainly don't need to see second-rate celebrities belly flopping off the high board.
Although Tina Malone threatening: "I nearly lost my gastric band," could have made quite interesting viewing.
And so while the likes of Linda Barker and Caprice hurl themselves off a diving board, producers are splashing around for anything they can to make it more interesting. Which, so far, has included around nine bikini slips, four costume malfunctions and countless close-ups of Tom Daley's teeny weenies.
Yes, there's a theme here and even that's so diluted now there's no enjoyment.
"This is a crazy show," said Caprice who was desperate to prove herself but was booted out first round. "I can't believe they got insured for it."
Well, they managed to get it commissioned and scheduled Caprice so anything really IS possible. Vernon Kay and Gabby Logan has as much chemistry together as two wet fish. Even they are starting to look like they are not sure what they are doing there. And the judging panel, with Jo Brand's assistance, are enough to send anyone off the edge with their dull comments and repetitive jokes.
Jo, we all know you don't swim and don't dive and don't exercise. To top it all off the list of "celebrities" that have been signed up make the Dancing On Ice line-up look like A-listers. Last night was the first time Donna Air has been on the television since around 1942.
And so, to sum things up, let's turn to the show's resident expert Tom Daley.
"Diving can be a like a full-on car crash," he said. It sure can Tom, every Saturday night, ITV, 7pm.
DIVING BORED: Daley show has belly flopped