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Wasn't it great to see the old television clip of William Hague as a youth, addressing the Tory Party conference in 1976 when he was leader of the Young Conservatives?

If he becomes leader of the Opposition, then there's every chance this will overtake the Blue Peter elephant messing the studio floor as the most played piece of archive footage.

Our attention spans are becoming so small that we need constant reminding that Hague has always had political aspirations.

It's a pity it's not as amusing as John Noakes getting dragged through the elephant dung.

As for being the most-played piece of television footage, I reckon both are eclipsed by England winning the World Cup in 1966.

"They think it's all over ... it is now," must rank as the LEAST prophetic statement in broadcasting history. It was ANYTHING BUT all over.

What Ken Wolstenholme should have said is: "Well, you'll either be sick to death of this goal, or never tire of seeing it ... depending on which side of the border you live."

If there is to be a Scottish Parliament, maybe we should consider having a Scottish Broadcasting Corporation.

It would be funded by licence fees and would broadcast as SBC 1 and 2 instead of BBC 1 and 2.

It could start broadcasting on January 1, 2000 with the announcement: "You always hoped it would be all over ... it is now."

And England's World Cup Glory would be consigned to the dustbin of history - where it belongs.

Incidentally, among the least interesting facts about William Hague is that he shares the same barber as me!

The Guardian last week said that, if he's elected as leader and then goes on to win the next election, he'll be the first bald PM since Atlee.

What about Tony Blair? Another couple of years and he'll be bald as a coot.

Mind you, not having a lot of hair does have its advantages. You know those wee bottles of shampoo you get when you stay at a posh hotel?

That's a year's supply for us baldies!

Had it not been for my new Radio Scotland show I'd have been in Hong Kong for the run-up to the handover at the end of the month.

I'm sorry I will miss what is being billed as the biggest fireworks display ever.

That should drown out the noise of the tanks as they rumble over from New Territories.

Tony Blair is going, though. Fresh from his meeting with Baroness Thatcher at No 10, where she taught him how to behave abroad.

My sources in Whitehall tell me that was all an elaborate wheeze.

After plying Thatch with a few glasses of her favourite Old Glenmilla 21 year old, Tony got the No 10 butler to come into the dining room and announce: "Prime Minister - not you, Maggie!"

Reports that servicemen have been taking drugs have been confirmed by the Ministry of Defence.

This was clear to anyone who saw the new Big Lizard marching formation at last week's televised "Tripping The Colour" ceremony.

The critics who, for years, have been saying that there's too much stand- up comedy at the Edinburgh Fringe seem to have got their wish to tone it down.

The Fringe brochure is now available and there are fewer stand-up shows than in previous years

I've always maintained that if you didn't want to hear any comedy you could go to see Joe Pasquale.

Debate has begun about what kind of a Scottish Parliament we should have.

Whether, for a start, we have one or two Houses in it.

One thing is for sure. If we do have a second Chamber, we mustn't fill it with boring old farts whose only contribution to society is to have been the first- born in a titled family. Imagine how entertaining the Scottish equivalent of Hansard would be if we had some real Scottish characters in it.

Then we could read about the passage of a White Paper through the second house, as debated by Irvine Welsh and Kenny Dalglish.

"The Hon ****ing gentleman surely can't be ****ing serious. This Bill is a piece of ****, and he should know it, the **** ****."
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Copyright 1997 Gale, Cengage Learning. All rights reserved.

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Title Annotation:Features
Author:Macaulay, Fred
Publication:Daily Record (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:Jun 17, 1997
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