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Bruv's been a Big bore!

Byline: By Murray Morse

Tawdry, terrible, tedious, tortuous and dull, so desperately, desperately dull.

Just a few words to sum up the mind-numbingly boring Big Bruv* as it comes to its climax after nine weeks of the worst reality TV ever screened.

Although the torment of going through puberty seemed to last less time than BB4, during the past two months there have been some moments I've enjoyed.

When I say enjoyed, what I really mean is I tolerated it.

When I say tolerated, what I mean is I would have rather stood naked up to my waist in a vat of fermenting farm slurry infested with dung beetles, cockroaches and blood-sucking leeches, my torso plastered in mould-covered jam. Then forced to hit a nest of angry hornets with a giant stick, watch repeats of Last Of The Summer Wine through pinned-back eyelids, while someone bored through my elbows with a rusty drill, filed my teeth with sandpaper and played the Busted album through headphones until my ears bled. C4 producers of this shoddy show for simpletons should be put on trial for crimes against humanity. Or, worse, told to fill their schedules with something other than endless repeats of Friends.

The final week was as painful as the previous eight, the highlight being that Cameron finally admitted he was a virgin soldier. No wonder the chickens wanted out.

I'd like to think Big Bruv would be laid to rest in an unmarked grave. Unfortunately, even before the jeers have died on this pile of crud, plans are already being drawn up for next year's BB non-event.

Meanwhile, former Big Bruv winner Kate Lawler's reading is improving all the time on C4's breakfast abortion, RI:SE, which has survived these past two months on a diet of BB.

Unfortunately, Kate's Ladybird Book skills are taking over and she's now reading everything on the autocue. As in: "Welcome back. I'm Iain, and I'm Kate." No Kate, you're just Kate. The lanky oxygen thief sat next to you is Iain, And co-presenter Iain Lee, TV's unfunniest man, demonstrated how seriously C4 takes its news coverage by linking to the news desk with: "Now, over to Zora, who's got nice knockers..."

Can you imagine Sir David Frost doing that on Sunday mornings?

And the last word on Big Bruv goes to Welsh dimwit Helen Adams who washed up on ITV's Loose Women. Billed as a topical chat show, Helen had nothing to say, proving she still has only one neuron floating around in her pretty little head - and that is used for blinking.

Michael Barrymore alert! The shamed comedian took his first steps towards television rehabilitation on GMTV this week, following the death of Michael Lubbock in his swimming pool. He glossed over sordid events, like what happened to the pole used for cleaning the pool. As with royal bonker plonker James Hewitt, I wouldn't give him airtime in my house.

*Big Bruv - A Weapon of Mass Destruction not yet screened in Iraq under terms of the Geneva Convention.

BULLETINS newsreader Zora's got two big exclusives
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Publication:Evening Chronicle (Newcastle, England)
Date:Jul 26, 2003
Previous Article:Family view.
Next Article:Big Bruv Cast-Offs: The verdicts.

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