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Brian Reade column: These It Girls are starting to get on my t*ts.


GOD in all his anger sent many vile creatures to earth - the tarantula, the Nazi, the white South African and John McCririck are a few which spring to mind.

But none can compare with the most obnoxious sight you will ever witness outside of Ken Bates Rollerblading with a baby-pouch on his gut.

The It Girl. Those inane chasers of fame, who drag their hard, grasping faces and anorexic frames to every third-rate London party, hoping one of their pimple-sized breasts pops out of a free designer frock and their photographed nipple attracts more free frocks and the attentions of a rich, available chap called Quentin Obnoxious- Bastard. (Pronounced Bastard.)

We were first introduced to the It Girl by three words which hit us harder than "yes you have" at the results counter of a Special Diseases Clinic. Those words were Tara, Palmer and Tomkinson.

Now we're hit with three more words which rank with "and it's fatal" from the same results counter. Lady Victoria Hervey. (Pronounced Bastard.)

She is The Marquess of Bristol's daughter who, as T P-T's ordained successor, plays the Top Toff Totty stereotype for every laddish outlet with a cheque book.

Towards the end of last year her media appearances started to irritate as much as every humourless saddo saying "You are The Weakest Link, Goodbye", Jamie Oliver saying "pukka", and that mobile phone text message bleep which makes everyone reach for their pockets like cowboys going for their holsters.

It's why I decided never to mention her. But in an interview this week, she summed up her type and her titled class to such utter perfection I just had to share it with you.

When The Guardian asked what enrages her most, Lady Victoria answered "tax". And here's why: "What annoys me is when these families have got like 12 children and we're paying for these kids. They work out they make more on the dole than having a job so they just laze around," said the 24-year-old aristocrat who can currently be seen lazing all over six pages of GQ with her pimples out.

I wonder if she passed those noble sentiments on to Michael Winner and his girlfriend with whom she lazed around Barbados last month. Winner's Bulgarian girlfriend Georgina was enjoying the pounds 40,000 holiday while claiming pounds 80-a-week welfare handout from us taxpayers, for allegedly being abandoned.

I also wonder how Lady Victoria's sentiments about idle leeches who prey on society goes down at family get-togethers. How would she define her half-brother John, the 7th Marquess of Bristol, who devoted his life to drugs and debauchery, snorting his way through a pounds 17million fortune before dying, aged 45.

How about her disgraced father, the 6th Marquess of Bristol, who was sentenced to three years jail for his part in a jewellery raid.

Then there is her mother Yvonne, who was the Marquess's secretary before she "married up". The multi-millionairess Marchioness of Bristol has just sold the family house in Belgravia and moved permanently to the tax-haven of Monte Carlo.

Theft, tax and the work ethic is clearly an issue which bothers this blue-blooded family.

LOOK how hard Victoria's 18-year-old sister Isabella is finding life. She plans to take a year off after school, get a job, then travel the world.

"I've told her that whatever she manages to save, I will double," said the Marchioness. Clearly it's okay getting subsidised to do sod all but laze around when your family is stinking rich.

But don't take that from me, take it from Lady Victoria who claims that the best thing about being an It Girl is "the freebies".

"The real irony in all this is that the poor get poorer and the rich get richer because the better known you are the more freebies you get given. It's really unfair," she said.

Life is, love. It's rilly, rilly unfair. But here's a suggestion to stamp out injustice and make a better world.

Why don't we tell all It Girls we are jetting them to an exotic foreign capital for the opening of a handbag, fly them to Baghdad, and drop them from a very large height.

Not only would we be rid of them, but their successful quest to steal the limelight away from everyone else in Iraq would surely drive Saddam Hussein to suicide.
No portion of this article can be reproduced without the express written permission from the copyright holder.
Copyright 2001 Gale, Cengage Learning. All rights reserved.

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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:The Mirror (London, England)
Date:Feb 22, 2001
Previous Article:Brian Reade column: Blair's a Bush baby.

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