Believe you're A-list? Don't alpha-bet on it.
Byline: POLLY HUDSON
TAMARA Ecclestone*'s sister**'s ex-husband*** this week described his former father-in-law Bernie as a C-list celebrity dwarf.
There was only one thing to think about this. Is Bernie Ecclestone really C-list? I don't want to kick the guy when he's down and dealing with dirty laundry, but really? He wishes!
It appears we need a bit of clarification on the celebrity classification system here. Allow me
A-list - People stop in their tracks when they see you, and stare, open-mouthed. Everyone wants to either sleep with you or be your best friend no matter what your looks and personality are like. Life becomes one long freebie, because obviously only those who can easily afford to buy whatever they want are given everything for free.
B-list - More labour-intensive than being on the top rung of celebrity. People still stare, but they're much less overwhelmed and in awe, so you have to do loads more selfies.
C-list - If you had a reality show, it would be on ITV1.
D-list - People stare, but with screwed-up eyes because they're trying to work out where they know you from.
E-list - Some people stare a bit, and then come up to you and ask you if you're famous, and if so, what for. They don't want a picture or an autograph though, they just sort of wondered.
F-list - If you had a reality show, it would be on ITV2.
G-list - A few people do a bit of a double-take now and then, as long as you make sure you always talk really loudly.
H-list - If you had a reality show, it would be on ITVBe.
I-list - You're hoping to persuade someone who used to be on TOWIE to have a showmance with you.
J-list - No one who used to be on TOWIE would even consider having a showmance with you.
K-list - G
L-list - e
M-list - o
N-list - r
O-list - d
P-list - i
Q-list - e
R-list - S
S-list - h
T-list - o
U-list - r
V-list - e
W-list - You stream your reality show yourself, online. For free.
X-list - Your current career plan is crossing your fingers that your next plastic surgery goes horribly wrong.
Y-list - The lowest of them all. Although it seems to defy logic, being
Z-list is much better than this never mentioned letter of the alphabet. In a nutshell: Y-listers were voted out of The X Factor in the first week of the live shows, and not even back when people watched The X Factor.
Z-list - Infamous, shameless, the stars in highly inverted commas we love to hate. Those in this band achieve the most fleeting celebrity of all, and even though this is widely known, everyone in it always spends all their money immediately as though it will never stop coming. Still, at least this means the Celebrity Big Brother house will never be empty.
EARTHSHATTERING CELEBRITY OF BOMBSHELL THE WEEK"My Dad has joined Twitter."Robbie Williams
COMING UP SHORT Bernie with daughters Petra and Tamara