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Becks on the beach? How our men can get the perfect body...

a mother's day LAURA KEMP and welcome to my beach ready body guide - for men!

HELLo Yes, that's right, chaps, it's your turn to experience the hell of swimwear panic, binge-starvation and the painful humiliation of using tweezers and a hand mirror to pluck every single hair that could cause offence - nay, riots - should you sit with your legs a millimetre apart at the edge of the pool.

But this workshop isn't designed to make you ashamed - we all come in different shapes and sizes. It's just we want you to know how it feels when pictures of scantilyclad sunbathing celebs, who workout for hours on 500 calories a day (roughly the equivalent of two-and-a-half-pints of lager), are considered perfect physical specimens.

If you're confused, let me show you a photograph of David Beckham in a pair of Speedos. In fact, let me tattoo it on your eyelids so you get a sense of what we're up against.

Back bushes should be 'So, with David as your goal, let's start with beachwear.

repeatedly covered with scorching wax and ripped off See his budgie smugglers? They work on him because he hasn't got a belly hanging over the top. And because he's David Beckham. Instead, consider baggy shorts. But only if you've got a six-pack. Otherwise, get yourself one of those nice beach kaftans so we don't have to look at your moobs.

Next, body hair. Fortunately for you lot, society considers it a sign of virility and manliness when it's on your legs, chest and in your armpits. But that's where it ends. Back bushes should be repeatedly covered with scorching wax and then ripped off. Any thick patches around your inner thighs - let's call them groinal carpets to avoid any embarrassment - should be hacked back so no one vomits over their chips.

Talking of food, you need to lose four stone in a week if you are going to cut it. There are a wealth of diets to cry over, from the no-carb to calorie-controlled, which rules out Guinness and kebabs. But don't worry, plain lettuce is really good for you!

Finally, don't forget to fake tan, get your nails done, sort out that monobrow and source the right sunglasses for your face shape.

I know, lads, it's all bit overwhelming and frightening, isn't it? Let me make it easier for you. If there's one thing you take away from the workshop, let it be this: why the hell don't you look like Becks on the beach?

' Back bushes should be repeatedly covered with scorching wax and ripped off

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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:South Wales Echo (Cardiff, Wales)
Date:Jul 31, 2014
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