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Bank holidays are ideal for crawling on hands and knees.

Byline: paternity test DAVE OWENS

how did you spend your bank holiday? SO By getting in touch with your inner Noah to knock together an ark to adequately cope with the rain? By spending your time stuck in a traffic jam, wishing you could magic up an extra three lanes to deal with the highway to hell you were stranded on? Or maybe, like me, you were ensconced in the herculean task of rediscovering the bits of the house that you had forgotten had existed - by clearing up your child's indiscriminate puddles of clutter.

There was joy untold as I uncovered bits of brilliant white carpet once hidden under toys, books and general plastic stuff.

A mass de-clutter is a cleansing process in every sense. Whenever we have a clean-up the first thought is usually "look at how big our house actually is."

A mass de-clutt" Of course, this taxing process brings with it the occupational hazards of the job. These are: ? Bits of toy detritus sticking to your feet. This threat to your well-being means you develop something called parent stoop, ' is a cleansing process in every sense. Where you have to walk doubled over as your eyes scan the floor for any offending item that may cause clear and present danger to your toes.

Extraneous body parts littering the floor like some horrible Frankenstein experiment. Not actual human body parts obviously. But if you have a child who loves dolls, then an inevitable after-effect of several years of play is the dismemberment of limbs. Which leads neatly onto the next point - their reattachment... ? Matching up pieces of plastic, a brainnumbingly difficult process which is akin to some particularly grisly round on The Krypton Factor as you set aside the doll detritus with forensic precision in the hope of returning a toy back to its former glory ? The compromising of your arthritic well-being by spending so much of your time on your hands and knees. Not easy when you're an older dad and your joints heave under the weight of your physical abjectness. Save wearing knee and elbow pads you just have to grin and bear it while making the sorts of noises that would indicate you were crawling across hot coals.

Any bloke who has had his wife in his ear about clearing up would not only bear the scars of constant nagging but the psychological after-effects of the resultant clear-up.

Which reminds me, where's my Deep Heat and headache tablets?

it ' A mass de-clutter is a cleansing process in every sense
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:South Wales Echo (Cardiff, Wales)
Date:May 8, 2014
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