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BUSHELL ON THE BOX: Del-Boy's dumped.

Byline: Garry Bushell

MAXWELL is out of Big Brother. He's not so much off the hook as off the show.

How did that happen?

Either a love-lorn Saskia spent the entire week hitting re-dial or viewers finally had enough of the Cheeky Chappie's unsavoury personal habits.

Little things like having fights with water from the bog brush bowl do tend to aggravate after a while.

That and putting scabs in sandwiches. And gobbling spaghetti like a half-starved hog in a speed-eating contest...

Kemal called Maxwell "a lazy good-for-nothing thug, a beer-drinking, woman- shagging lager lout".

They were the reasons I liked him. But Max was more than that. He was funny. He spoke fluent Del-Boy ("absolute fromage") and he wasn't afraid to show his emotions.

He missed Saskia like crazy, and his sadness at "waking up without the treacle" was almost touching.

I was so sure Science would go (ya get me?) I didn't bother voting this week. This may have been part of the problem.

Do the public really prefer moaning Rasta Meldrew to a quick-witted likely lad?

Science has the disposition of an untipped waiter. He's as miserable as ITV's new daytime schedule.

What has he done in this house of horrors apart from cook chicken and row with Max? And who is he going to snap at now?

Take your pick. We're left with the most loathsome bunch of mutants since Magneto's gang in the X-Men.

Vanessa is detestable. She can't speak without bitching and should be evicted simply for her inability to pronounce Orlaith's name.

Then there's Cry-baby Craig, geeky Eugene, and Anthony, a man so dim he'd have to go back to school to become an idiot.

Orlaith is too obsessed with her fake boobs to be interesting.

THE strongest players left are Makosi, a lying fantasist, slippery Derek and Kemal, who is like some kind of alien throwback to campness past: The man who fell to Eartha Kitt.

I'm backing Del (who'd also get my vote for Tory leader). So expect him to be booted out next week.

Absurdly, turning on Big Brother to moan about the contestants is the most fun you can have on TV right now. The summer lull has come early. But C4 should try something different next year. Why not fill the house with idiot wannabes and not film them at all?

Just show their faces when they're evicted and realise they haven't been on telly...

-JIMMY Carr: "One in ten women in the UK has an STD. I like those odds."
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:The People (London, England)
Date:Jul 10, 2005
Words:423
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